To Be With You
by special2401
Summary: Meredith's arrived in Seattle, searching for a new life....
1. Chapter 1: Another Place To Fall

_Okay, so this is my little author's note. I've posted this story on another site, but I found out about this one so I decided to post it here too. It wasn't originally written in chapter form, so just go with the chapters right now. They'll be organized better as the story goes on. I hope you guys like it because I love writing and I already have the first 8 chapters done!__

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**To Be With You**

**Chapter 1: Another place to fall**

_Are you proud  
To have founded a brand new behavior  
With hatred and hurt as your savior  
But nobody's choosing to follow  
So you choke back the tears and you swallow _

_**  
**_

Meredith turned her overhead light off and opened the small window. It was a little after midnight, making the lights on the wing the only thing she could see. She didn't mind though; she was traveling alone and it gave her something to focus on. After all, the flight was relatively empty and most everyone was asleep.

She put her right elbow on the armrest and placed her chin in her hand as she stared out into the abyss. The sky seemed never ending and for a moment, she wished she could just disappear inside of it.

"Ma'am?"

Meredith jerked her head to the left, looking at a smiling flight attendant, "Yes?"

"Could I get you anything?" she asked, "We have blankets and pillows if you'd like one."

"Oh, no, I'm fine," Meredith said with a small, polite smile. The woman returned the smile before heading down the aisle. Meredith turned her head again and focused on the lights.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying with American Airlines. We will be arriving in Seattle in about an hour. I hope you enjoyed your flight and that you chose to fly with us again," the pilot said relatively quietly into the overhead speaker, stirring a few of the passengers.

Meredith twirled her watch around her arm nervously. She didn't know what she should expect when she got there. She had no idea what kind of condition the house would be in or even if it was in a good part of town anymore.

She picked her purse out of the seat next to her and opened it. She pushed past a few things, something at the bottom sparkling up at her. She stared at it for a moment before looking away and pulling out her wallet. She opened it and looked at the small picture holder inside. She stared at the small picture for a while, wishing that she could go back to who she was then.

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She paid the cab fair before pulling her three bags up the sidewalk and then up to the house. She stopped and pulled out an old key before trying to open the door. After a small amount of difficulty, she unlocked the door and stepped inside.

She dragged her bags over the threshold and put them down in the foyer, allowing the glass doors to swing shut behind her. She scrunched her nose disapprovingly as she looked around the dust-covered foyer.

She slowly walked into the house, her heels clicking against the wooden floor. She peered into the living room, almost fearing that her memories would become animated again.

When nothing moved in the dark room, she slowly walked in, flicking the light on as she went. She walked around the perimeter of the room, hearing only her heels as she grazed her fingertips against the dusty mantle. She stopped as she reached a familiar photograph. She gently picked it up, carefully blowing away the dust and clearing it off completely with a brush of her fingertips.

She looked at it closely, realizing how much it reminded her of the picture in her wallet, only a generation earlier. She examined the people, only imagining the lies and deceit hidden behind each visage except one. The child, so innocent, had no idea what was still yet to come.

Feeling her emotions move too fast, she hastily placed the picture back on the mantle, never noticing how crooked and out of place it was. She walked through the rest of the living room, images flashing before her eyes.

Most people she knew couldn't remember things before the age of six or seven. Her memory was different. She remembered just about everything. She could remember things that happened when she was just two or three years old. They were mockingly plastered into her mind and showing themselves through out the house.

She walked back into the foyer and looked up at the stairs. Her eyes trailed down to the bottom step. She had many memories there. Sometimes she was with other people sitting on that step, but usually she was alone and waiting. She began to wonder how naïve she must have been to actually wait there everyday and never give up. It must have been the innocent optimism of a child.

She slowly placed her foot on the first step, her hand finding its way to the banister. Cautiously, she made her way upstairs, noting every aspect of every step. She walked down the narrow hall, finding her way to a familiar room. She pushed the door open, not surprised at what she found.

The room hadn't been touched. She wasn't sure if that was out of sorrow or rejection. She took a few steps further into the room and examined the light pink walls. Butterflies and flowers were stenciled along the ceiling, adding a personalized border. There was a small-canopied bed. The headboard was wooden, painted white with another stenciling on it. In a pretty pink shade, her name had been written in curly letters.

Meredith walked over to the bed, letting her fingers graze the letters. She sat down on the small bed, the unused springs squeaking a little. She placed her small hands in her lap as her eyes danced around the rest of the room, her memories blurring her vision once more.

She looked back down at the bed and the small, delicate pillow. She picked it up and held it close to her for a few minutes before placing it back down. She stood up and took another look at the dark, untouched room. She headed back to the door and closed it behind her, deciding that room should remain untouched.

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_If you're confused, well you probably are, just know that you're supposed to be. This is a completely Alternative Universe and I don't like to give away story lines. Everything will unfold as the story goes on, but if you do have a specific question feel free to ask me! I hope you guys like it_


	2. Chapter 2: Come On

_The first chapter was kind of slow, so I decided to give you guys another one. This chapter is really setting up the story and going around the hospital. Trust me, I get more into the plot line after this. Just so you know, I'm dropping hints everywhere as to what's going on, so if you pick them out, you might just figure out the plot line or at least part of it before I completely reveal it. I hope you enjoy it!_

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**Chapter 2: Come On**

_I want to get myself back high  
I want to get myself back tonight, tonight, tonight  
all of the things that you promised us that you'd be_

Her eyes slowly opened, adjusting to the light coming in from the broad windows. She sat up, confused at first as if she was living out a dream. Remembering the past few days, everything connected and made sense.

She pulled the blanket off her body and tossed it to the other end of the couch. She lazily walked towards the kitchen, disgusted by the continuous dust. She left the kitchen untouched, vowing to scrub the entire thing before letting anything in there touch her food.

She quickly got dressed and threw her hair up before heading out to the garage. She grabbed another key out of her purse and stared at the old car. Slightly pissed off that she had to drive in Seattle instead of riding the subway like she was used to, she pulled the door open and got in. She headed to Starbucks, almost hitting about four people in the process. When she finally got there in one piece, she got some coffee and a scone for breakfast. As she paid, she noticed her cell phone flashing inside of her purse. As she headed outside, she pulled it out and called her voicemail.

"Hey Mer! I just wanted to make sure that you made it to Seattle safely and that you're, well, that you're doing all right. I know a lot has been happening, but I'm still here. Call me if you need to talk or you get lonely out there. It's going to kill me having you so far away. I hate not having my sis down the street. Just make sure that you do talk to me about everything or find someone out there to talk to, okay? Rodger just got home, so I'll talk to you later. Make sure you call me! Oh, wait, Rodger said to say hi. We both miss you and love you! Bye!" Meredith smiled as she hung up the phone, glad that she actually listened to that. Her sister's perky voice was exactly what she needed right now.

Meredith got back in her car and sat there for a moment in the chilly weather, mentally preparing herself for this. She'd been a doctor for years, why in the world was she so nervous about it now?

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Meredith walked into the hospital, surprised at how much she liked the hustle and bustle that she had missed while in private practice. She headed over to the front desk, meeting a smiling face.

"Could you please direct me to Dr. Webber's office?" Meredith asked, trying her best to smile as well.

The woman looked up at Meredith, her smile almost becoming annoyingly big, "Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but he told me to come and see him as soon as I arrived," Meredith explained.

"Dr. Grey!"

Meredith turned around, seeing Dr. Webber heading towards her. She walked over to him and he greeted her with a warm hug, in which she felt slightly uncomfortable in. "I'm so glad you've arrived. How was your flight?"

"Fine," Meredith answered simply, adjusting her purse strap on her arm.

"I've already briefed you on your case. I'll have to introduce you to the other surgeons on it as soon as possible. Why don't we head up to the surgical floor?" he suggested. Meredith nodded as he led her over to the elevator and inside. "Have you found a place to stay yet?" he inquired.

"I'm staying at my mother's old place for the time being," she answered, hoping that he wouldn't question anything else. Her past and present situations were things she did not enjoy discussing: especially with an old college professor and possible new boss.

"I hope you take a liking to Seattle," he said as the doors opened again, "Then maybe you'll agree to sign a contract to keep you here."

She smiled slightly at him, "I'll just wait and see. It all depends on how things go."

"Ah, Dr. Yang!" Dr. Webber bellowed at the sight of an Asian woman. She stopped and looked over at him with respect, her eyes turning to Meredith with doubt.

"You must be the new surgeon here for the consult?" she asked.

"Yes, actually. Dr. Grey," Meredith said, offering her hand.

The woman looked at her strangely before lightly shaking her hand, "Dr. Yang, cardio."

"Dr. Yang will be part of the operation as well," Dr. Webber explained, "Dr. Yang, would you mind showing Dr. Grey around and introducing her to the other surgeons on the case?"

"Sure, but I have to get back to my other patients soon," she said, obviously not happy about her new chore.

"Well, Dr. Grey, once you're done with Dr. Yang, she can show you to my office and we'll take it from there."

"Okay," Meredith answered before heading over to Dr. Yang.

"Oh, and Meredith?"

Meredith turned around, surprised that he had chosen to use her first name. "Yes, Dr. Webber?" She'd prefer if they kept things as professional as possible.

His face softened into a small frown and his voice fell a few decibels, "I'm very sorry for your loss."

Meredith's composure fell for a moment, revealing her vulnerability. She quickly put her mask back on, "Thank you," she said softly before turning back to Dr. Yang, hoping there would be a no questions asked policy between them.

Dr. Yang led Meredith down the hall, not a single word passing between them. Meredith may have wanted a no questions asked policy, but she hadn't asked for total silence. "So, how long have you been working at Seattle Grace?" she asked, hoping to start up some friendly, professional conversation.

"Since the first day of my internship," she answered, "Where are you from?" she asked, her voice revealing her true lack of interest.

"New York. Private practice," Meredith said, not wanting to go into much detail either.

Dr. Yang stopped in front of cafeteria, surprising Meredith a little. "I don't want interns on this case. It's too risky and the interns nowadays are complete morons, so to replace them, along with the attendings already on the case, we're having a few residents." Meredith just nodded and followed as Dr. Yang walked into the cafeteria. She stopped at a table occupied by two people, "This is Dr. Stevens and Dr. O'Malley. They'll be assisting. This is Dr. Grey, the new neuro attending."

The woman at the table jumped up, her blond hair bouncing, "Izzie Stevens," she said offering her hand to a hesitate Meredith, "I'm honored to be able to assist you both on a case like this."

"Oh shut it, Barbie," Dr. Yang snapped, surprising Meredith. She noticed, however, that Dr. Stevens did not seem fazed by the nickname or the snapping at all.

The man stood up as well. He did not seem as confident in himself or his surgical skills as the other resident had been. "George O'Malley," he said, introducing himself.

"It's nice to meet both of you," Meredith said as she shook Dr. O'Malley's outstretched hand, "I'm sure it'll be a pleasure to work with both of you."

"Barbie and Bambi? Not really," Dr. Yang said, "They're just not as bad as the interns."

"Cristina," Dr. Stevens hissed, apparently not very comfortable with being put down in front of a coworker.

"Are you all friends or something?" Meredith asked, hoping that this was not the way all the Doctors treated each other here.

"Or something," Dr. Yang said as she rolled her eyes, "We have two other surgeons to meet before I can get back to my patients." She started walking away and Meredith quickly caught up with her, "Tell spawn to stay away from the new surgeon!" she called back to the residents.

"Spawn?" Meredith asked, completely lost.

"Evil spawn," she answered, "Dr Karev, he's a manwhore. I suggest you stay away."

"Okay…" Meredith responded, completely surprised by the lack of professionalism between these people. Apparently Seattle Grace was going to be _nothing_ like her practice in New York.

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"Surgical floor is the fifth floor," Dr. Yang explained as they stepped off the elevator, "Dr. Webber's office is in the west wing, with the cardio. Neuro is mainly in the north. Get a map or something for the rest," she said, continuing to show her annoyance with her responsibility of showing Meredith around. "This is a nurse's station," she said as she stopped, "I assume you know what that is?"

Meredith's eyes narrowed a little, "Of course."

"Good," Dr. Yang said as she began heading down the hall again. "Dr. Bailey," she said at the sight of another Doctor.

"Yes?" she asked, sounding just as annoyed as Dr. Yang.

"This is Dr. Grey. The Chief asked that I'd introduce her to the surgical team," Dr. Yang explained, her demeanor straightening out and trading in its sarcasm for respect.

"Welcome to Seattle Grace, Dr. Grey. I'm Dr. Bailey," she said, a warm smile on her lips.

"Thank you," Meredith said, "I'm glad to be here."

Dr. Bailey glanced up at the clock before brining her attention back to the surgeons, "I'll see you two at the briefing before the surgery later on. Right now, you'll have to excuse me; I have another surgery to attend to. It was nice to meet you, Dr. Grey."

"You too, Dr. Bailey," Meredith said as she walked away.

"Dr. Bailey, don't cross her," Dr. Yang said, "She may not be the Chief officially, but she rules this hospital. It's her way or the highway. She was my resident back when I was an intern. She'll make anyone's life a living hell if she feels that they deserve it. Like I said, don't cross her."

"Okay," Meredith said, originally having a completely different impression of Dr. Bailey.

"We have one more surgeon to meet. Other than spawn that is, but you don't need to meet him until we scrub in. He's just going to be retracting for me anyways. He won't step close to the brain," she said, "And trust me, that is a good thing."

"Hello Dr. Yang," a doctor Meredith had yet to meet said as he walked over to them. "You must be Dr. Grey," he added noticing Meredith.

"Yes, actually," she said, shaking his hand.

"Dr. Shepherd," he offered, "Head of Neurosurgery. Although, I hear I'll have some competition if you transfer here," he added with a small smirk.

"Don't worry," she answered, "I don't plan on this move being permanent."

He continued to smile, and his smile became something she couldn't miss, "We could always use another talented surgeon around here, even if she could take my job."

Meredith laughed uncomfortably and Cristina looked between the two, taking note of his smile. "Have we met before? I swear you look familiar. Maybe a conference or something?" he asked.

Meredith shook her head lightly, "No, not unless you've been in New York lately."

"Used to live there actually," he said, "Move to Seattle about a year ago. Maybe I just saw you around or something."

"Maybe," Meredith added, still feeling a little uncomfortable.

"All right, let's get going," Cristina said after feeling like Meredith had had enough, "Nice seeing you, Dr. Shepherd."

"Yeah, nice meeting you," Meredith added as she headed off into the direction Cristina had went.

"Nice to meet you too," Derek called out as he watched her catch up with Cristina, until she had disappeared down another hall. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he knew this Dr. Grey from somewhere.

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	3. Chapter 3: Speak Slow

_This is probably the last one until Tuesday since it's exam week. It'll probably just confuse you even more, but I love to do that to my readers at the beginning of my stories! Anyways, remember that it is a complete AU!  
_

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**Chapter 3:** **Speak Slow**

_I'm so far away and I just can't see you I'm  
So far along and I just don't need you  
I am so ah-alone, so ah-alone,  
I am so alone, so alone_

Meredith found an on-call room and sat down on the bed, glad to be alone for a few minutes. She pulled out her cell phone and quickly dialed a number she'd had memorized for years.

"Hello?"

"Nichole? Does your Mommy know you're answering the phone?" Meredith asked with a hint of a laugh in her voice.

There was a pause on the line, "This isn't Nichole."

"Nichole, put your Mom on the phone," Meredith said, knowing her nieces voice when she heard it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jen," Meredith said, a relieved sound in her voice.

"Mer! I'm so glad you called! I was getting worried!" the perky voice from the message earlier said.

"I'm fine. The hospital is nice and the surgeons seem nice. I've heard of a few of them from different articles and such," Meredith said, trying to keep on the subject of the hospital.

Jen listened, knowing exactly what her sister was trying to do, "How are you though, really?"

"Good," Meredith answered, half convinced.

"The girls wanted to go to the cemetery today," she said slowly, hoping to not freak Meredith out.

"Oh," she said softly in response, "How was it?"

"The weather was nice and we left some flowers. There were some other fresh flowers there as well from, well, you know who they were from," Jen said, "The girls talked for a little while and left some pictures that they drew."

A small tear rolled down Meredith's face, "That's sweet," she said quietly before her new pager went off.

"What is that?" Jen asked, hearing it through the phone.

Meredith looked down and read the message, "Crap. I think my patient, whom I haven't even met yet, has something going on. They might have rushed him into surgery. I have to go. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay. I miss you, take care."

"You too, Jen."

"Bye."

"Bye," Meredith said before ending the call. She sat motionless for a few seconds, imagining the scene at the cemetery with Jen and her two twin daughters Nichole and Paige. It almost made her heartbreak.

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Meredith's prediction had been right. The patient had been rushed into surgery after a small, yet significant episode. Dr. Shepherd began the neuro part of the surgery, while she was briefed on the few details she didn't already know about the case. Ten minutes into the surgery, she joined Dr. Shepherd near the brain, while Dr. Yang worked on the heart. The residents she had met earlier were busy retracting and learning, but weren't asked to do anything surgical.

The man had many health problems and he knew going into the surgery, he didn't have much of a chance. He also knew that without the surgery, he had no chance. They'd called Meredith in specifically for this case. Although Dr. Shepherd was well respected, she'd worked on a patient with a similar brain defect.

Despite the two scares during the eight-hour surgery, the man survived it. It defied all medical evidence that he did, but they expected him to make a full recovery. Once the surgery was over, Meredith made it into the scrub room.

Cristina quickly washed her hands and left, silencing her pager on the way. Meredith, however, was exhausted. She wasn't ready to do any other work. She hadn't slept well the night before, the phone call had brought back some emotions, and the surgery in itself was tiring.

The water next to her turned on, but Meredith didn't even think enough to look and see who was standing next to her. "You're extremely talented."

Meredith just nodded in response before making her way over to the paper towels to dry her wet skin. Her mind kept flashing back to the cemetery, almost wishing she were still in New York so she could go visit it.

"And not modest at all."

Meredith finally looked up as the other surgeon laughed a little before grabbing his own paper towels. As her mind began to function again, she realized how she must have seemed. "Oh, no," she said, "I wasn't really paying attention. I'm just exhausted."

"Understandable," Dr. Shepherd said as he leaned against the sink, "So, enjoying Seattle?"

"Not so much," she answered quickly, before looking over at the door, "I've got to go."

He was a little surprised at her quick departure. He had wanted to discuss their patient for a little while, but apparently she had other things weighing on her mind.

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_Okay, so to make a few things clear, there really isn't an age difference between Meredith and Derek. That's why they're pretty even in the medical field. And it's quite obvious that there is something wrong with Meredith. Jen really is her sister and that story line will be expanded more later. If you guys want me to explain things more, or reflect more rather, after chapters then just tell me. Or if you'd rather me just shut up and write, go ahead and say that too! _

_I hope you guys are enjoying and thanks you reading and reviewing!  
_


	4. Chapter 4: It Ends Tonight

_Thank you for all of the reviews! I wasn't going to update today, but they made me want to! This one is only two scenes, but they're fairly important. I think I mentioned before to pay attention to small details and symbolism. I don't think there is much symbolism in this chapter, but just for the future! I know you guys want to know what's going on with Meredith, but just keep reading. I promise everything will be revealed!_

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**Chapter 4:** **It Ends Tonight**

_A falling star,  
Least I fall alone.  
I can't explain what you can't explain.  
You're finding things that you didn't know  
I look at you with such disdain_

Dr. Yang walked into the locker room and threw down her lab coat in exhaustion. Her gaze followed and she noticed Meredith sitting nearby, transfixed by something in her hand. "How long are you planning on being here?"

Meredith almost jumped at the sound of another human's voice, thinking that she'd been completely alone. She shoved something quickly into her purse before absently brushing her hair out of her face, "I was just about to go," she explained.

"Not here," she answered as she gestured at the room, "In Seattle."

Meredith self-consciously stood up and straightened out the smooth red sweater she had matched with her dark jeans. "I'm not sure. As long as Dr. Webber needs me, I suppose," she answered, averting her eyes from her newfound colleague.

Dr. Yang pulled at the handle on her tan locker, used to the squeaking noise it made as it opened. She pulled her hair out of its clip and looked over at Meredith's vulnerable figure, "You do get that he wants you to take over neuro, right?"

Her fingers fumbled against the worn leather on her purse before she allowed her eyes to lead up to Dr. Yang's intimidating figure. "Dr. Shepherd is head of neuro," was her only answer.

"He's next in line for Chief and Webber's wife wants him to retire," Dr. Yang supplied as she pulled her scrub top off, revealing a black tee shirt from beneath. She stuffed the shirt in her locker, waiting for a response.

Meredith's eyes had found their way back to the ground, "Oh, Adele." She had meant it to only be a thought crossing through her mind, but the words had quietly fumbled out of her mouth against her will. She'd never known the woman, but she'd heard of her. Her mother had mentioned her once of twice, especially in the past few years.

Dr. Yang paused her evening routine and looked over at Meredith. She leaned her hip and side against the cold metal of the lockers as she allowed her arms to cross her chest, "You know the Webber's don't you?" her voice almost revealed the slight interest that was playing through her mind.

Meredith looked up at her, horror plaguing her eyes. She hadn't wanted anyone to know of her past, even the past that wasn't her fault. Despite her intentions, she should have known the truth would eventually unravel; no matter how small and insignificant her notion of Adele may have been. "Yeah," she began, letting her expression return to the numb one that it had taken long before her trip to Seattle, "My mother knew them."

"Hmm," was the feeble response she had earned as Dr. Yang pulled out an open bag of Cheetos. She popped a few in her mouth before dropping it back inside what seemed to be an endless disaster of her belongings. "Ellis Grey?"

"Yeah," Meredith answered. She wasn't sure what to do with herself as she continued to becoming increasingly aware of her body language and the way she was portraying herself. Deciding she had no reason to be here, she draped her purse strap against her slender shoulder. She took a few steps towards the door as Dr. Yang pulled her hair into a messy ponytail. She stopped halfway across the room and looked back at the first person she'd really met in Seattle. She swallowed her nervousness and retrieved her voice, "Thanks for showing me around today."

Dr. Yang didn't look back. She just pulled her jeans out of her locker along with a pair of shoes, "I didn't have any choice."

Meredith nodded, not exactly sure how to take that. For a moment she'd thought that they'd become some sort of friends, or at least pleasant colleagues. Apparently her expressions and responses had turned her away. Feeling slightly defeated, Meredith turned away. She took a few more steps and placed her hand on the door, pulling it open.

"It's Cristina."

Meredith turned her head back towards the locker room, once again faced with her colleagues back. "What?"

She turned around, the hair that had fallen from the elastic, falling against her shoulders. "My name. It's Cristina Yang." Her voice was full of confidence and assurance, as though nothing she ever said would ever be considered wrong.

"Oh," Meredith answered, a little surprised. Maybe this Cristina Yang would end up being her first friend in Seattle. "Mine's Meredith."

"I know," Cristina answered as she pulled a thicker shirt over her black tee.

Meredith's eyes narrowed a bit as she let the door handle free from her grasp, "You know?"

"We were told that you were coming and who you were," she answered, as if it was the only possible answer in the world.

"Oh." Meredith began to feel like an idiot, once again thinking she'd ruined her chances, only to feel stupider because of her one-word answers. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow," she said quietly before pulling the door open again.

"Yeah."

* * *

Meredith walked into the house that she figured she might as well call her own again. The way things were looking; she wasn't going home anytime soon, so this might as well be her new home. She dropped her purse and jacket on the couch and realized that she should probably move herself upstairs. She knew there was a guest room that she could make her own, but she didn't have the energy anymore.

She let herself fall against the plush couch as her eyes roamed around the room. For the first time in her life, she noticed how beautiful the house really was. She knew her mother must have spent a fortune on the interior decorating, so it better look nice, but it almost looked a little roomy to Meredith. Maybe she could make this her home.

As she continued to look around, she noticed one more thing: her solitude. That was the main difference between her new home and her old. Her apartment in New York was full of life and not because it was located on a busy street. She wasn't the only one living in that apartment and her friends and family were always there.

She looked over at her purse and pulled it towards her. She dug out her cell phone and stared at it for a moment. All she had to do was dial a familiar phone number and all of this would be over. She could go back home and try her best to be who she used to be. But that was it. She couldn't be the person she was a year ago. She could, however, be the person she was a month ago, but in all honesty, she was being that person in Seattle as well.

She realized that dialing that number would only cause her to break a little more. Nothing good could come out of it. She'd made herself a vow before she left New York and she needed to keep it. She wasn't sure how long it would take her, but she had to succeed. She wasn't sure that she could handle failing at something else.

* * *

_So I've always loved the Meredith and Cristina friendship. That's mainly why I brought Cristina in almost immediately and had them start to form their strange friendship. After all, Meredith is completely alone in Seattle dealing with a lot and she needs a friend. She has a little hope that Seattle will be good for her and that she could possibly make it her new home, but her past isn't leaving her any time soon and that amount of hope is very small._

_And if you were wondering, not everything I write is really this sad. Things will get better!_


	5. Chapter 5: Suffocation Keep

**Chapter 5: Suffocation Keep**

_It all becomes mystic in the lightening of love  
__The full form appears on my hands and knees.  
__I've buried my burden deep._

"Good morning, Dr. Grey."

Meredith looked up suddenly at the voice, only to give an obviously fake smile in response. "Good morning," she added before stepping onto the elevator.

He stepped in as well and pressed for the fourth floor before letting his hand fall down beside him. He looked over at her, but she didn't dare let her gaze reach his side of the elevator. He chuckled a little and she immediately turned to glare at him involuntarily, "What?"

"You aren't very friendly, are you?" he asked, the lightness in his voice apparent.

She sighed and ran her hand through her golden hair. Apparently she had shot her chance at becoming friends with these people, other than Cristina that is. They probably are all going to think she's some stuck-up hot shot from the big apple. "It's just the morning," she said, her eyes focused on the mirroring medal before them, "And I'm tired."

He chuckled again, not amusing her at all. Apparently he was a morning person, which just so happened to be the complete opposite of Meredith. Despite her attitude, he continued the conversation, "Have any patients today?"

She gripped her purse strap tightly, trying to find something to do with her fidgeting fingers. She cleared her throat and looked up at the numbers on the wall, waiting for her floor to arrive. "Not yet," she answered, figuring that she should at least be polite while she was on the elevator. It wasn't like she had anything else to do, "Other than checking up on our patient from yesterday."

"He's doing fine," he answered as he tightened his grip on the manila folder in his hand, "Hasn't shown any signs of complications." He noticed her silence and he quickly added another note, "Although I'm sure he'd still enjoy meeting his other surgeon and having her check up on him."

"Yeah," she answered before yawning. She muttered a small apology for the yawn before looking down at the ground.

When the elevator doors opened he just looked over at her, "There's a coffee cart on this floor. Would you like to join me?"

She looked at him, startled, "I… umm…."

"I only ask since you said how tired you were," he explained, surprised that she seemed so freaked out.

She straightened her posture a little before hitting the button for the fifth floor, "It's fine. I just need to wake up."

"Whatever you say, Dr. Grey," he said with a small wink before stepping out of the elevator and heading directly to the coffee cart he'd spoken of.

* * *

"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd." 

Derek placed the lid on his Styrofoam coffee cup before turning around to see Dr. Webber. "Chief," he answered.

"That was an excellent surgery yesterday," he commented as he paid for his own cup, "You and Dr. Grey worked together well."

Derek laughed a little, "Actually, Dr. Grey did most of that surgery. She's very bossy."

"Just like her mother," Richard answered with a reminiscent smile on his face.

"Her mother?" Derek asked.

"Ellis Grey."

Derek looked a little impressed, "I guess it runs in the family then," he answered. "I'll see you later, Chief," he added before heading down the hall to get his day started.

* * *

Derek headed down to the pit after being paged. He's barely had time to see a few of his patients yet. As he pushed open the doors, he saw Dr. Grey only a step ahead of him. He caught up with her, "Do you know what's going on down here?" 

"They're bringing an ambulance in," she said, "I don't know anything else."

"Why'd they page both of us?" Derek asked. It'd be understandable for them to page one of them, but why did they need two neurosurgeons.

Meredith was just as confused as he, "I don't know. Maybe they're two different ambulances coming in."

"The ambulance is here. Car accident. Pretty bloody," a nurse yelled as she ran down to the ambulance bay, creating a path for Meredith and Derek.

The sirens sounded before the ambulance pulled into the bay. They waited until it came to a complete stop, but then they jumped into action. Derek pulled the doors opened and found a gurney and two paramedics. "Kid got hit by a car that was backing out of a driveway. She has a large contusion to the right of her head. She has a gash to the left; she's lost a lot of blood. Her arm looks broken. She doesn't seem to have much of a chance." Derek just nodded as he helped the gurney down. "Another ambulance is coming in with another victim. The driver that hit this kid freaked out, pulled away, and hit someone else."

"I'll wait for the next one. Grey, go ahead and take her," Derek ordered as he turned to the next ambulance that was turning in.

"Doctor, we need to get going," one of the nurses said to a stationary Meredith.

Derek pulled the other doors open and pulled out a gurney with a women on it. "Her head flew against the windshield. She wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Her steering wheel was really close so she didn't go flying through the glass. She's lucky."

Derek turned back and saw that neither Meredith nor the girl had moved. "Grey, let's go." Her eyes were fixated on the girl. She didn't flinch when he yelled at her. "Grey, come on!" The nurses looked at Derek for an answer. "Meredith!" He yelled again.

She finally broke her gaze with the child and looked at him, terror filling his eyes. He wasn't sure what to do. Their eyes locked for a moment before she pivoted on her foot and ran back into the hospital.

"Uh, page Dr. Patterson for this girl, her injuries are less extensive," Derek said before looking over at the little girl, "I'll take her." His mind went back to Meredith for a moment, trying to figure out what happened. He knows she's an experience surgeon. This was something you'd expect out of a new intern. Noticing no one was working quickly, he changed his train of thought, "Let's go, we want to save their lives here!"

* * *

As the surgical nurses prepped the OR, Derek paged Meredith for the third time. He had no idea where she went and he was really worried about her. He wasn't sure why, but he felt responsible for her and he didn't want her reputation to be ruined by this. 

"Dr. Shepherd? The OR and patient are ready."

Derek nodded to the nurse who walked back in the OR. He washed his hands as he looked in the OR from the scrub room. He didn't even know this woman, so he needed to stop worrying so much about her. She could take care of herself and he had a patient anyways. He had one of the nurses page her one more time before heading into the OR.

The girl was pretty beat up. She was only seven years old and she had a broken arm and her brain was bleeding. Derek hadn't met the parents yet, but from what he's heard, they're in pieces. He can't imagine being a father, let along being a father of a daughter who is about to undergo brain surgery.

The little girl almost looked peaceful under the painless spell of anesthesia. As Derek got his gloves on, he focused his mind on the task at hand. "It's a beautiful morning to save lives. Let's do this." At the sound of his voice, one of the nurses pressed play and Derek's favorite band echoed through the OR, blocking out the rest of his thoughts.

* * *

_Once again, I'm really glad you guys are liking this story! I love reading all of your comments! This didn't really go into Meredith's past, but it shows some obvious problems. I would discuss them, but I think if I do I'll end up saying too much so I'll just shut up!!_


	6. Chapter 6: Breakable

_Okay, so I made a mistake. The last chapter was really called Suffocation Keep, not the Shin. The Shin is the band that wrote that song. It's correct in the drop down menu, but I just messed up the chapter title. Anyways, sorry I didn't have this up yesterday like I meant to. Enjoy!

* * *

_

**Chapter 6: Breakable**

_The heart is fragile handle with care,  
Hold it it's precious.  
There's treasure in there.  
Beautiful,  
Breakable,  
Like a butterfly in an angry world,  
__So breakable._

Derek scrubbed out of the surgery, letting his mind drift back to Meredith. She still hadn't answered a single page. He didn't understand it, but he was going to find out. As he walked out of the scrub room, he saw Cristina down the hall. He caught up with her and stopped her, "Dr. Yang, have you seen Dr. Grey anywhere?"

"Yeah, she ran into an on-call room like three hours ago," Cristina answered before rudely walking away from Derek.

Derek checked every on-call room until he found her small figure lying in the darkness. Her body was curled tightly together, her hair spilled against the soft blue of the pillowcase. Her arms were wrapped around her, offering herself the only comfort she had. She looked miserable and alone.

The small amount of anger that Derek had held towards her for running away and leaving him like that evaporated into the air surrounding them. Her eyes were shut, but they were far from peaceful. Her delicate face seemed to be tormented by a war in her mind.

Her cell phone was lying abandoned by her lap coat on the small table in the room. Derek noticed a small blanket on the bottom shelf of the table. He grabbed it and unfolded it, laying it carefully on her. She stirred as his fingers grazed her shoulder blade. Derek was afraid she was going to wake up, but that small humanly contact seemed to soothe her. Her face relaxed a little, still showing the toll that the war was having on her body.

A small crash by the table made Derek move away from her quickly. Her cell phone was vibrating and had apparently fallen over the edge of the table. He picked it up and saw the name 'Jen' flashing across the screen. Derek looked over at her fragile body and gripped the phone tightly before walking out of the room.

He gently closed the door, careful not to make any noise. He hit the small green button on the phone before bringing it to his ear, "Hello?"

The other line was silent for a second, "Why is a man answering my sister's phone?"

"You're Meredith's sister?" Derek asked. He hoped that she could do something about the situation Meredith was in.

"Yes, Jennifer Keyes. Now who is this?"

"Derek Shepherd," he answered as he looked around, hoping no one would be listening in to this conversation for some strange reason. He looked over at the side entrance to the hospital and decided he should take this call outside, "I work with Meredith in Seattle."

"Okay, but why are you answering her phone?"

Derek stepped outside, greeted by an overcast sky. "I went to check on her in an on-call room. She was sleeping when the phone rang."

"My sister has been there for two days and you feel the need to check on her?" Jen was beginning to think that she didn't like the Shepherd fellow.

"I was worried about her," Derek said honestly, "She froze down in the ER and she hasn't been answering any of her pages. I was just worried so I thought I should check on her."

"Meredith froze?" the harsh curiosity had disappeared from her voice and was replaced with concern and doubt. "What happened?"

"That's what I was trying to find out."

"Oh, well, thanks," Jen answered, feeling a little guilty for how she had been treating this guy.

"Are you nearby? I mean, do you think you could possibly come here and help her or something?" Derek asked. He wanted to help her, but he had only just met her. How in the world was he going to do anything productive?

"I'm actually in New York." Derek sighed in frustration. Apparently he was on his own for this. "Just don't leave her alone, okay? And don't be hard on her. I know that it's bad for a surgeon to freeze, but she's been through a lot. Don't be hard on her, she doesn't deserve it."

"Okay," Derek answered. He was a little surprised by the way Jen sounded. To him, it seemed like she was scared for Meredith, but then again; he didn't blame her. He was scared for her too. "Is there anyone here in Seattle for her? I mean I'm not sure she should be alone."

"She shouldn't be alone, but everyone's here in New York. I'd come, but I have kids and job. I can't," the remorse was evident in her voice despite the horrible service.

"I should get back."

"Yeah," Jen answered, "Just take care of her."

"Okay." Derek answered before the call ended. He looked at the cell phone as he walked back into the hospital, wondering what he just signed himself up for.

* * *

Derek stepped quietly into the room, trying to avoid causing a disturbance. He placed the cell phone on the table and walked over to the bed opposite from Meredith's. He sat down on it; his face writhed as the springs squeaked. She moved a little in distress, but her body returned to motionless within moments.

Derek sighed as he lay down on the bed. He kept his eyes glued to her, almost as if she was going to disappear before his eyes. He still couldn't shake the feeling that he knew this girl from somewhere. He knew it couldn't be that he saw her at a conference or in passing in New York because he felt like he actually knew her. As in, knew who Meredith Grey really was, deep inside. He knew he was probably a little insane, but he just couldn't shake the feeling.


	7. Chapter 7: Save Me

_So I know Chapter 6 was kind of boring, but it has a purpose so I had to post it! Hope you guys like this one!_

* * *

**Chapter 7: Save Me**

_And none of these  
thoughts are real  
So why is it that I feel  
So cut up and so bad  
I need to take control  
Cause my mind is on a roll  
And it isn't listening to me_

Derek slowly opened his eyes, searching for the source of his disturbance. As he took the dark room in, he remembered where he was and quickly took in the sound of Meredith's sobs. He sat up abruptly and walked over to her bed where she was lying on her side, facing the wall.

He kneeled next to her, not sure if she'd ever taken notice of his presence. Hoping to not scare her, he gently placed his hand on her shoulder. She froze instantly and Derek moved his hand away. "You okay?" he asked quietly, knowing the answer without a response.

She took a few deep breaths and wiped her eyes without looking back at Derek. She was waiting for him to move, to leave, to just do something. But he didn't. He stayed in his place, his hand hovering close to her, afraid to touch her again.

Derek didn't know what to do. He'd never taken care of someone who looked so miserable before. Of course he was a Doctor who treated some of the worst medical cases possible, but this wasn't something he could fix with a scalpel. He didn't have a plan as to what he was doing. He was out of his comfort zone, but he knew for a fact that she was so much farther from her own.

Before Derek could make another attempt to get her to talk, she sat up on the bed. He looked at her, seeing the tears smeared on her delicate face. She avoided his eyes as long as she could. When he finally caught her gaze, she forced herself to stand up and move over to the table.

She grabbed her lab coat and placed it on before dropping the cell phone in her pocket. Derek stood up and walked over to her, "We should talk about what happened."

She looked up at him for a moment and could easily tell that he wasn't used to reaching out to people like this, but she wasn't used to people reaching out to her either. She shook her head as she headed to the door, "No, I'm fine. We don't need to talk about this. No one needs to."

She stopped at the door and looked at him, as if she asking him to promise her. He wasn't sure what to do. He'd never planned on going to the Chief; it wasn't his place to begin with, but he had been planning on finding the source of her reaction. That look in her eye made him certain that she never wanted to speak of this day again: regardless of the circumstances.

Derek just sighed and nodded, giving into her. She didn't give him a grateful look, just one of relief. Without another word she turned around and left Derek alone.

* * *

Meredith walked through her door and dropped her things absently on the nearby table. She slugged into the kitchen and found a glass. She cleaned it off for about ten minutes, seriously having doubts about the sanitary level in the kitchen. She turned the sink on, happily finding crystal clear water. She filled the glass and took it back out into the foyer. She grabbed her purse and headed into the living room, crashing on the couch. 

She pulled her purse open first without even looking it, making this seem like a ritual for her, despite her new surroundings. She pulled out the pill bottle and popped the cap, dropping two in her hand. She stared at them for a moment, as if they were foreign objects. For an onlooker, it would have seemed impossible for her to have had been the best neurosurgeon on the east coast. In fact, they'd probably doubt she'd gone through college.

Dismissing her traveling thoughts, she dropped them in her mouth and swallowed the glass of water, attempting to wash away their bitter taste. She sat back in the couch for a moment, analyzing her day. She still didn't completely understand why he'd been there when she woke up. At first she'd figured he had just wanted somewhere to sleep, but the way he acted led her believe otherwise. He wasn't acting like her colleague or her competition. And for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why.

Her hand ventured back into her purse, pulling out her cell phone. She scrolled through the address book, looking at random numbers. She went through them all and then did it again in reverse order. No matter how many times she went through it, the same number always made her want to stop and hit send.

After passing it seven times, she finally stopped at it. She looked at it for a moment. The simple word meant so many things to different people and in this situation it was slightly ironic. Home at one point in time had been the apartment that that number belonged to, but somehow, that had changed at some point in the last year. She didn't know how it happened, but she did know that Seattle wasn't her home either.

She dropped the phone next to her purse on the cushion, her eyes still glued to it. A huge part of her was screaming at her to just call and get it over with, but another part was telling her to stick to her promise. She had to be loyal to it for herself if not anyone else. She just had to and at this point in time, she hadn't fulfilled her part of the promise.

Knowing the effects of the pills, she placed the glass on the wooden table and lazily made her way upstairs. She passed the two rooms that she's swore she'd never again step foot into and found the guest room. She didn't even bother changing; instead she just collapsed against the soft mattress, trying to not think about the emptiness of it all.


	8. Chapter 8: Life In Disguise

**Chapter 8: Life in Disguise **

_Well it's there under you breath,  
__Behind your eyes,  
__And you don't have to say nothing,  
__Cause I realize  
__That everything somehow in someway_  
_Eventually dies.  
__It's life in disguise_.

Meredith walked into the locker room and quickly changed. The room was full with people, but she didn't acknowledge any of them. As the room began to empty out, she placed her purse in her locker and shut the door. As she headed to the door, Cristina came through.

"Heard you froze yesterday," Cristina throughout, as if it was an everyday thing.

Meredith stopped and looked back at Cristina who had made her way to her own locker, "What?" she asked, fully knowing the answer to that question.

"You froze," Cristina stated.

"Yeah," Meredith quietly confessed.

Cristina got back to what she was doing, so Meredith headed back to the door. She pulled it open when she heard Cristina again, "So, why'd you freeze?"

Meredith looked back at Cristina, feeling like she was suffering from déjà vu. Of course the conversation was different, but it was strange how much this mirrored her last conversation with Cristina. Meredith thought for a moment, trying to come up with a response. She looked up at Cristina, who still hadn't figured out the leverage of this conversation. Deciding she better keep quiet, Meredith pulled the door open farther and hurried out of it, leaving Cristina unanswered.

* * *

Almost the second she walked out of the locker room, her pager went off. She looked at it, finding a 911 to room 437. She gave her pager a confused look, but knowing it offered no explanation, she headed to her destination.

Upon reaching the room, she noticed the small plaque on the door. "Dr. Shepherd's office… wonderful," she mumbled sarcastically before knocking gently on the door.

After a quiet greeting, Meredith opened the door. Derek offered her a seat opposite of his desk, which she politely took. "You paged?" she said, interrupting their silent conversation.

"I wanted to talk to you about Kendall Holdon," he explained as he gestured to a file sitting at the edge of his desk.

Meredith's forehead wrinkled, "I'm not sure I know what you're talking about."

Derek picked up the file and placed it in front of her, "The little girl that came in last night," he said, seeing the distressed look take over Meredith, "I thought I'd just let you know of her condition." Meredith looked up to him and he was a little taken back by the vulnerability in her eyes. Upon her arrival, he'd done a little bit of research about her. This woman hadn't been what he'd been expecting. He cleared his throat before continuing, "Her left arm was broken and she had an acute subdural hematoma. When I went in, she didn't seem to have much of a chance, but she made it through." Derek had felt her suck in air, but quickly release it in relief at hearing she'd survived.

"Has she woken up?" Meredith asked, knowing as well as he did that surviving the surgery wasn't always enough.

Derek smiled, "About four this morning with her parents at her side."

Meredith just relaxed, happy that the little girl had made it. "She's very lucky."

"She is," he agreed. He sat back into his chair, ignoring the small squeak it made, "I looked up some of the things you've done. You're a very distinguished surgeon."

"Thank you," she answered quietly.

Derek sensed her hesitation in agreeing to that. It wasn't good if she doubted herself. Doubt was like poison in the OR; it killed. Derek opened his mouth to speak, but shut it realizing that the door was opening.

Meredith turned around at the sound, surprised to see Dr. Webber walking in with two charts in his hands. "Oh, Dr. Grey. I wasn't expecting to see you in here."

"I'll just go," she said quickly as she stood up and headed for the door.

"Oh, no," the Chief said, placing his hand on her shoulder to stop her, "I needed to speak with both of you anyways."

Meredith's eyes fell down to his hand. It wasn't that she felt violated or anything, she just wasn't used to human contact anymore. That thought alone had made her feel even more pathetic than she had after she left the locker room only minutes ago.

As her eyes trailed up to him, he sensed the strange contorted shock in her eyes. He quickly moved his hand away, just as Derek had the night before. Apparently she wasn't worthy of human contact either.

Derek cleared his throat, earning two pairs of eyes staring at him. He had purposely interrupted whatever had been happening, but apparently the awkwardness in the room didn't subside. In an effort to force it to, he stood up and walked next to Meredith, his eyes on the Chief. "So, what did you need?"

Meredith's eyes flashed to Derek and his closeness to her. She was beginning to think that he felt a need to protect her, even though he had no idea what to protect her from. Had she been whom she used to be, she might be grateful or think it was sweet or something along those lines. But, she wasn't. She didn't find it sweet and she wasn't grateful. She could stand on her own two feet. She'd been doing it for as long as she could remember. There was no reason that she should need some hotshot brain surgeon to help her. After all, she was supposed to be one of those hotshot brain surgeons.

"I have two VIP patients. One is unfortunately the mayor's daughter, the other his one of the board member's wife," the Chief said as he handed them both a chart.

"Derek, the wife's procedure is a minor one, but she is still VIP," he said as Derek began looking through the various charts and lab results, "Now, Meredith, the daughter's procedure is a little more difficult. She's only three years old, but the tests done at Mercy show that the left side of her brain is dead."

"You want me to remove half of her brain?" Meredith choked out, completely unsure of her words.

"Yes," the Chief answered confidently with a nod.

"Half of a three year old's brain?" she asked again, desperately searching for something besides what the chart already confirmed.

"I saw that you did an operation similar on a little boy who was about five three years ago," the Chief explained.

Meredith closed her eyes and swallowed hard, "That little boy died on the table."

"I know," the Chief explained, "But it wasn't anything you did. And this girl is younger. That gives her a better chance at survival."

Meredith was about to protest again when Derek took the chart from her hands and started looking at it. Meredith and the Chief both turned to him puzzled. "I've done something slightly similar to this on a three year old, but it wasn't nearly as bad," he explained before closing the chart. He looked at the Chief briefly before turning his eyes to Meredith, "If you wouldn't mind, I'd like a chance at this."

"Derek, you have Mr. Yeatt's wife," the Chief said, but it went unnoticed by Meredith. She looked at Derek, trying to figure this out. She didn't understand why he was doing this. Maybe he just really wanted the surgery; after all, if he were successful, it would probably secure his position at the hospital. Not that Meredith had seriously thought about staying here, but still. She was hoping that that was true because she didn't want to think what else could possibly be motivating him.

"Dr. Grey can handle Mrs. Yeatts, I'm sure," Derek said as he offered her the other chart, "Not that she couldn't handle the little girl either." Derek smiled at her, but only received an ambivalent look in her eyes. "Dr. Grey, when was the last time you did a procedure like Mrs. Yeatts?"

Meredith continued to look at him, completely lost for words. He nodded a little, encouraging her to go on with it, "Probably about a year. It's a simple one, but it's still invigorating," she answered, her eyes never leaving Derek's.

The Chief stood there, taking notice of every aspect of their exchange. He wasn't completely sure what was unraveling before him, but it made him hesitant to keep Meredith in Seattle for much longer. The Meredith he'd known was competitive and she would never give up a good surgery just because a minor one was refreshing. There was something different about her from the last time he'd seen her, but he couldn't pinpoint it. Figuring that they were beginning to question his staring, he spoke up, "I suppose that's fine. Just remember they're both VIP patients and I want their surgeries to be scheduled as soon as possible."

They both nodded in response before the Chief absently gave them a questioning look. He said a minor good-bye before walking out of the room. Meredith stayed for a moment, words at the tip of her tongue. She kept a tight grip on the chart, as silence filled the small office. Derek opened his mouth and she looked up at him. Before he could say anything, she turned around and disappeared down the hall.


	9. Chapter 9: The Good Fight

**Chapter 9: The Good Fight **

_Consider the odds,  
Consider the obvious.  
The martyr is meaningless,  
The campaign has died.  
In the planning stages and the fallen faces  
Are the singular proof that it was ever alive._

"Hello?"

"Hey Mer," Jen said into the phone.

"Hey Jen," Meredith said as she relaxed against the wall in a deserted hallway.

"You sound tired. And stressed. I think you need some sleep."

Meredith rolled her eyes, despite the fact Jen couldn't see it, "Let me remind you of the fact that you are my little sister. You don't boss around the older sister. The older sister bosses around the little sister. It's one of the unbreakable rules of sisterhood."

"Okay, fine," Jen said into the phone, complying with Meredith, "I think you might want to get some rest. It may help you feel better. Not that I know anything, considering that I'm four years younger, but I'm just suggesting."

"Yeah, okay," Meredith said with a small laugh, "You can be bossy. It's not you when you are being all nice and only suggesting things."

"That seems like a insult," Jen said before pausing, "But being optimistic, I'll take it as a compliment."

Meredith pushed herself off the wall and began slowly walking up and down the hallway that had a full wall of windows on it, letting the rare Seattle sunshine beam down on her. "You sound like yourself today, Mer. That's a good thing." Meredith didn't respond to that. How was she supposed to anyways? She really didn't want to admit to the fact that she had rarely been herself in over a year. She'd rather just deny it. Denial was much better and Jen knew that Meredith thought that way. "So, how's Dr. Shepherd?" she asked, changing the subject.

"Fine- wait a second," Meredith said, stopping in the middle of the hallway, "I never mentioned Dr. Shepherd to you."

"What?" Jen asked innocently.

"In fact, I never mentioned anyone from Seattle to you. Jennifer Williams, what aren't you telling me?" she asked in a forceful tone.

"So I'm guessing he didn't tell you?" she asked quietly.

"Tell me what?" Meredith snapped.

"About me calling you yesterday and him answering your phone?" she said both hesitantly and awkwardly, not exactly sure how her unstable older sister would react.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, refusing to believe that Dr. Shepherd had actually crossed the line from her professional life to her personal life.

"You were asleep he said something about you freezing," she stopped at her last word, instantly regretting going that far. She could only hear silence on the line, but she knew there was screaming going on in Meredith's head. "That's what I wanted to talk about."

"I can't do this right now," Meredith said, "I'm at work and I have a surgery on a hospital board member's wife in an hour. I can't do this right now," she repeated, trying to keep her mind together as she paced in a small circle, her hand pressed against her head in frustration.

"Meredith, calm down," Jen said. She wasn't being forceful or demanding. She knew that would do nothing for her hurt sister. She said it in a soothing voice; the same voice she used when her daughters woke up panic-stricken from nightmares. "He was just worried about you. You have someone looking out for you in Seattle, Mer. That's a good thing."

"I don't need to be looked after," she said determinedly into the phone.

Jen didn't want to fight it, so she dropped it. She sighed dramatically before changing the subject, "There was something else that I was calling about."

"What?" Meredith snapped again.

"Today, we, well me and the girls, we ran into Daniel," she said hesitantly, "He doesn't look good, Mer."

Meredith waited a moment, trying to figure out how to respond. As the sound of her pager ripped through the hair, she realized she didn't have any other time to think. "Well, that's just wonderful for Daniel," she spat, hating the bitter taste of his name in her mouth. "I have to go Jen." She hung up her phone and walked down the hallway back to the rest of civilization.

* * *

"Derek can I speak to you?" the Chief said across the busy hall.

Derek turned around and looked at his boss, "Uh, I'm heading up to the OR," he said, trying to come up with an excuse to avoid this conversation. He had an idea of what it was going to be about and he really didn't feel like lying to the man who saved him from the hellhole called New York.

"It'll just take a minute," the Chief answered, one hand rubbing his temples, expressing the stress of being Chief.

Derek didn't say anything at first, trying to come up with something. Finding himself empty handed, he gave in, "Yeah, okay." He walked over to the Chief, hoping to keep this conversation private.

"I know you didn't know Dr. Grey before, but do you anything about what is going on?" the Chief asked quietly, but sternly. Apparently he didn't want people to overhear either.

"Before? Before what?" Derek asked. He thought maybe he could get some insight from the Chief as to who Meredith Grey really was, with or without him completely realizing what he was revealing.

The Chief's forehead wrinkled in thought, "Before… before she came here," he said slowly.

It was obvious to Derek that something else had crossed his mind, but he hadn't wanted to say it. It just confirmed his belief that Meredith Grey really wasn't always as dark and twisty as she'd presented herself to be. "I don't know anything," Derek said shaking his head, "I just met her."

"It's just… She's usually quite competitive," the Chief explained. Derek just nodded to ensure that he was actually listening. "It's not like her to give up any surgery. Even if it means she'll be in the OR for 24 hours. She's very dedicated."

"Doing a simpler procedure doesn't mean she's any less dedicated. Mrs. Yeatts deserves that surgery just as much as the Mayor's daughter deserves hers," Derek answered defensively.

"I know, I know. That's not what I'm saying," he answered. Derek just waited for him to explain just what he exactly was saying. "Ah, never mind. Forget I said anything," he said brushing it off before walking away.

Derek turned around and headed to the OR. He knew that the Chief wasn't trying to sound rude, but Derek didn't know any other way to get out of that situation. He was extremely thankful that the Chief had yet to connect any of the dots. The last thing he knew Meredith needed was for one of those paramedics or interns telling the Chief of Surgery about her freezing up.

* * *

"Dr. Karev. The surgery started twenty minutes ago," Meredith said without even looking up from her patient.

"Sorry, Dr. Grey," the man said as he got his gloves on and headed near the side of the OR.

Meredith concentrated on what she was doing, never letting her eyes leave the patient. "I didn't page you so you could stand there," she said coldly.

He was a little surprised by her words, but he hurried over to her side, hesitant to do anything. "I've been told to never let you near an open brain," she said as if it was a normal conversation, "But I'm willing to take my chances." She took another tool from the nurse and then finally looked up at Dr. Karev, "Have you ever performed a minor clipping?"

"No," he answered quickly.

She focused back on the open brain for a few minutes, attempting to get control of the blood flow before proceeding. "Well, you better learn. I believe the phrase 'see one, do one, teach one,' was what my resident told me."

He just nodded, still not sure what he was supposed to do. "Have any interests in neuro, Karev?"

"I guess," he answered.

She chuckled at his response, "Plastics, huh?" He just nodded again, "Yeah, well, not today." She backed away from the patient and gestured for Karev to take her place. "Check for connective tissue," Meredith instructed, "But be careful that it doesn't rupture. This woman doesn't need any hemorrhaging."

He did as he was told, impressing Meredith slightly. Apparently she was correct in questioning Cristina's comments. Meredith looked up at the gallery and saw Derek. He looked down at the charts in his hands, trying to avoid her eyes. Despite his attempts, she saw that smile on his face.

* * *

"You did good work Karev," Meredith said as Dr. Karev threw his paper towels away.

"It's Alex," he said before opening the door. He looked back at Meredith, "And thanks."

Meredith gave him a small smile before continuing to wash her hands. As the door began to swing shut behind him, something caught it. Meredith looked back and saw Derek.

"That was rather nice," he said, crossing his arms across his chest as he walked towards her.

She turned off the water and grabbed some paper towels, "Why is Karev doubted around here? I've heard about five people say things about his lacking ability."

Derek watched her, unsure of her intentions with this conversation. "A few months ago, him and Dr. O'Malley were stuck in an elevator during a power outage with a GSW to the chest."

Meredith threw the towels away and leaned against the sink, matching Derek's eyes, "And?"

"He started to fail and we tried to open the doors, but they didn't get them open far. Dr. Burke told them that they were going to have to open him up right there. Dr. O'Malley flew solo," Derek explained, choosing his words carefully.

"What about Alex?"

Derek looked at her doubtfully, not wanting to say the words on the tip of his tongue, "He froze."

Meredith looked down and Derek saw all that strength she'd been holding onto for the past few hours slowly slip away. He took a step closer to her and her body immediately tensed, stopping him midstep. "A surgeon may freeze, but that doesn't mean that they will again," she said slowly as she looked back up at him.

"Meredith, I-"

"No," she said cutting him off as she moved away from him, "I know you weren't trying to say I couldn't do the girl's surgery. I just wanted you to know. I'm still a surgeon. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves second chances."

Derek watched as Meredith walked out of the scrub room. He thought he was helping her by getting her off that case. After all, she went along with it. He wasn't trying to say she wasn't a good surgeon.


	10. Chapter 10: Open Arms

**Chapter 10: Open Arms**

_Every corner you turn  
Trouble come your way  
But when you get home  
I'll try to be there  
And I'll embrace you_

"Dr. Yang, can I speak to you for a moment?" Derek asked as he watched Cristina walked out of a patient's room. He usually preferred to steer clear of Cristina Yang. Other than Miranda Bailey, she scared him more than most of the people in this hospital, but he had to admit something: she knew everything. He knew it, everyone knew it, and most importantly, she knew it.

"Unless you have a surgery for me, no you can't," she said without even looking up, her eyes glued to her chart.

Derek rolled his eyes, "Unless you have minute, I won't have a surgery for you."

"Okay, what do you want?" Cristina asked as she closed the chart and looked at him, her annoyed attitude easily visible.

Derek quickly looked around them before speaking to Cristina in a low voice, "What do you know about Meredith Grey?"

"Either than the fact that she froze in front of the entire ER and then befriended evil spawn?" she said.

"What do you know about the actual Meredith Grey, not the doctor?" Derek asked persistently.

Cristina seriously thought about just ignoring this man and telling him to go play with himself, but then two things ran through her mind. One, he was her boss. Two, he could get her in on surgeries. "Okay, what do you want to know?"

"Anything you can tell me," Derek answered.

Cristina stepped into a conference room and Derek followed her. "Just to make it clear, this conversation never happened. And I want 2 surgeries and a hundred bucks."

"What? I'm not paying you a hundred bucks," Derek said in disbelief.

Cristina shrugged her shoulders, "Fine, your choice."

She turned to walk out of the room, but Derek threw his arm out to block the doorway, "Fine," he answered, placing a smirk on Cristina's mouth. He grabbed his wallet out of his pant pocket and pulled out five twenties, handing them to Cristina.

"Thank you," she answered. "Okay now, Meredith Grey is the daughter of Ellis Grey. Ellis Grey died a few months ago. Grey had her own practice in New York City with a friend, but sold her share a few months before coming here. She doesn't have a binding contract, but the Chief so wants her here. She has a picture in a wallet that she stares at for at least twenty minutes everyday and an overprotective little sister who calls constantly. She's afraid of people for some reason and like flinches when people touch her. It's like everyone else is toxic." She stopped for a moment after speaking quickly and looked at Derek's shocked expression, "Oh and her scrubs are size zero and she eats cold pizza for breakfast every morning."

"How do you know things like that?" Derek asked, completely dazed.

"No more questions unless you happen to have another five twenties in your wallet," Cristina answered. Derek just shook his head, still showing his shocked expression. "Okay, now what cases are you giving me?"

"I'll have an intern bring down their charts after I change into my scrubs," Derek answered before walking out of the conference room.

Cristina chuckled to herself at his bemused expression. Apparently he didn't realize just how much Cristina Yang did know.

* * *

Meredith grabbed her second cup of coffee, trying to ignore the fact that it was only noon. She leaned against the counter and sipped it slowly, hoping that the warm liquid would evoke some feeling in her body. Since she'd been in Seattle, she'd yet to sleep through the night, but last night was the worst. She tired blame the tossing and turning on the crappy heater, but she knew it had nothing to do with the temperature. Deep down she knew what had been troubling her, but she refused to admit to it. 

She looked up from her cup of coffee and saw Derek on the opposite side of the hallway. He was looking down at a chart and talking to another doctor. Despite her better judgment, she let her eyes linger there for a moment. She had never really looked at him before. His charm and great looks were clearly evident, but they led her to another question: What was he doing with her? It was very clear that he was watching out for her. She'd yet to get another case with a patient under the age of eighteen. He hadn't spoken to her since she'd yelled at him, but still. He seemed to be going out of his way to make sure she was okay.

It didn't make any sense to her. She had nothing to offer to him. She was a tired, busy surgeon about to hit her mid-thirties who had more emotional and psychological problems than she felt a physiologist could handle. She guaranteed that there were at least a hundred more appealing women who would gladly through themselves at him, so what was he doing wasting his time with her?

He quickly looked up at her and she awkwardly tried to pretend like she hadn't been staring at him. He started walking towards her and she took that as her cue to walk away. She hurried down the hallway, trying not to spill her coffee.

Once she finally thought she was safe, she slowed down, but felt a tap on her shoulder. She froze and slowly turned around, not at all surprised to see Derek standing there. "Meredith, I was hoping I could speak to you."

"Uh…. Speak? To me?" she asked awkwardly.

"Yes," Derek said, a little surprised by her nervous antics.

Meredith looked down as her pager went off. She looked up at him and gave him and apologetic smile, "I have to go."

"Saved by the bell," he joked with a smile.

"I'll see you around," she said before turning around and hurrying down to the ICU. She was definitely glad to be out of that situation, but she didn't even want to think about why she'd been so nervous.

* * *

Derek had tried to find Meredith all day after their small encounter at around ten, but she was busy the entire day. She'd gone in and out of four different surgeries by the time eleven rolled around. He wasn't completely sure she actually stepped outside of the OR. 

Looking at the clock on his office desk, he decided he'd give up for the night. After all, he needed to get his rest as well. He left his office and headed downstairs. As he reached the hospital's automatically opening doors, he was surprised to see Meredith Grey walking in with her bag held tightly to her shoulder.

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion and thought as he walked over to her, "Why aren't you at home? Can't get enough of surgery?" he tried to keep the conversation light, hoping that her nervousness from earlier would slip away and be forgotten.

She looked at him for a moment, too tired to even chuckle at his comment, "I wish I could go home."

Derek shifted his weight from his left leg to his right, "What do you mean you wish you could go home?"

She really didn't want to talk to him about this, but she had learned he was very persistent and she didn't have enough energy to fight him off. Instead she just sighed heavily before meeting his eyes again, "I came home to find a fire truck at my house because of some electrical thing in my walls or whatever that made the fire alarm go off. Now it's apparently unsafe for me to be in there until they assess everything for some problem that doesn't even make sense to me right now because I'm so tired that I can hardly see straight. Considering the fact that I'm banned from my house and I don't know anyone in Seattle, my options are either a hotel or here and I don't feel like paying for some crappy hotel when there is a few on-call room within my reach." She took a deep breath after her rambling session and looked away from Derek, slightly embarrassed for emptying her problems on him even though he had asked.

"So you're going to live in the hospital until your house is fixed?" Derek asked, receiving a meager nod as an answer. "You're going to sleep on a thin mattress with just a sheet in the middle of a busy hospital that no one will leave you alone in?"

She glared at him, "What? Are you trying to make this worse for me?"

He chuckled at her response before looking outside and then back to her, "You do know someone in Seattle," he finally said.

She didn't say anything at first, but then she caught on. "No," she said shaking her head, "I'm not staying with you. Thanks for the offer, but really, I'll be fine here," she continued before turning to walk farther into the hospital.

"Meredith," Derek called as he turned to the elevators where she had been headed. She stopped and looked back at him. "It'll just be for a night or two. You need to sleep on an actual bed. Surgeons have enough back problems from leaning over a table for hours." He watched as a battle went on in her tired, full mind. He stepped closer to her, again trying to light the mood, "What? Do you think I'm going to try something on you?" The battle came to an immediate stop as she looked up to him shocked by his comment. "Trust me, we're colleagues. I'm just offering you a place to stay."

The battle resumed as she weighed the consequences of both situations. Derek began to act impatient and she caught on quickly. She sighed and began walking towards the hospital exit. Derek smiled and caught up with her, "See, I knew you'd see it my way."

* * *

"You hungry?" Derek finally asked, breaking the silence that had started since they walked out of the hospital. 

Meredith looked up at him as her high heeled boots splashed against a puddle in the dark asphalt, "What? Are you going to cook for me?" she asked sarcastically.

"No," he said quickly, "It's almost midnight. I'm not cooking for anybody, but I'm sure there is somewhere in Seattle that we can get some food."

"I just moved here, I don't really know where anything is," Meredith said with a small shake of her head.

Derek smiled, "Well, I've lived here for over a year and I know a little restaurant that stays open pretty late."

She looked at him strangely, but she didn't question him. She just nodded, wondering to herself where he was going to take her. Derek led her to his BMW in silence, only welcoming her after she thanked him for opening her door. Once again, he found himself in this weird position. He was with this woman that he didn't know, but had a need to take care of. He'd never felt so aware of another person's life before, so concerned for them. Frankly, it made no sense to him.

* * *

_This was just kind of a filler chapter and a little comedic relief with Cristina. I'm really sorry that it took me so long to get it up! I should have chapter 11 up this weekend or at least by Monday. Thanks for reading and please review! Have a good weekend!_


	11. Chapter 11: If You Believe

**Chapter 11: If You Believe**

_I close my eyes,  
And even when I'm sleeping  
I'm alright,  
'Cause You were, in my life._

"This is my favorite restaurant in all of Seattle," Derek announced proudly as he parked his BMW in front of a small restaurant in a deserted shopping center.

Meredith didn't move. She just looked around outside before finally turning her face to Derek, "Okay, seriously, this seems like something out of a really bad date rape movie. You know, if they made those."

He smiled at her, "Oh, so now you're calling this a date? I don't remember asking you out on a date," he joked.

She averted her eyes from him, looking back at the small restaurant, "What kind of place is open at this time of night anyways?"

"One that I happen to know the owner of," he said as he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. Meredith hesitated, but finally sighed and followed. She still was trying to figure out what exactly she'd gotten herself into.

She followed Derek inside the restaurant, surprised by how small it was. Derek led her to one of the eight rectangular tables and pulled out her chair. She looked up at him in surprise, but he didn't give her any response. Once she was seated, he said he'd be right back and then disappeared.

She sat back in the chair and looked around. The restaurant was obviously Asian, but Meredith guessed Chinese. It was very simplistic, but it seemed nice. She still didn't completely understand why the place was still open so late or why Derek knew the people so well, but she left it alone. She figured she should just be thankful that she wasn't sleeping in an on-call room right now.

Soon Derek came back and took the seat across from her, placing a glass of wine in front of her. "You do like wine, right?" he asked in response to her facial expression.

"Yeah, I just usually go to restaurants where waitresses bring my drinks," she said as she picked up the cup and took a sip, "And where my wine is in a wineglass."

"This is a Chinese restaurant. We're not in Italy," he said as he took a sip of what she figured was soda.

"Well then, in Chinese restaurants do we get menus?" she questioned.

He placed his cup down before speaking, "When we come before normal closing, yes, but right now? No." He saw the confused look on Meredith's face so he just smiled at her, "Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant?"

"I hate Chinese," she said bluntly.

"Good," he answered, "I do too."

"What?"

He smiled at her again as a slender woman walked in from the back and placed a small plate between them. Derek smiled at her and thanked her before she headed back to the back. He looked at Meredith, "It's shrimp."

"Why are we here if you don't like Chinese?"

He took one of the six large fried shrimps and ate it before responding, "I don't like Chinese. I don't see this food as Chinese. Maybe us Americans just stole it so I'm used to it." She just watched him, not displaying much emotion, "Come on, its shrimp. Eat your three or I'll eat them for you!"

Meredith hesitated, but she did what he said. After all, it was just shrimp and she had to admit that it was the biggest and best tasting shrimp she'd ever had. Soon the woman brought them two tiny bowls and took the now empty shrimp plate. Once again, Derek thanked her before she left.

Meredith looked down at the bowl in front of her and then back up at Derek, "What is this?"

"It's soup," he said simply, "You don't get out much, do you?"

She ignored his comment and questioned him again, "What kind of soup is this?"

"I have no idea," he answered before he began to eat it, "It is mainly chicken broth. It has some type of onions on the bottom and those on the top? Those are mushrooms."

"I know what a mushroom is," she answered before hesitantly placing her spoon in the soup.

Derek watched her amused. "You know, most New Yorkers are used to stuff like this. Didn't you ever go to China town?"

"When I was in high school and college," she answered before tasting the soup, "This is actually decent."

"It's more than decent," Derek insisted, "It's the best food in Seattle."

Meredith and Derek ate the rest of their soup in relative silence until the waitress came out again and took their empty bowls. They were told that their main course would be coming soon before she left. "So," Derek started, ending the slump in their conversation, "What makes a hot shot doctor leave the big apple for Seattle?"

"I'm not a hot shot Doctor," Meredith answered before taking a sip of her wine.

"Okay, fine," Derek said giving in, "What makes a successful doctor leave the big apple for Seattle?"

Meredith placed her glass down and looked at Derek, "Why are you so hell bent on finding out about my past? It's not like you're offering up information."

"You're not asking," Derek pointed out before moving back to her, "You didn't answer my question."

"I know," she answered as the woman came back out with their main courses.

* * *

"Steak, Shrimp, and fried rice?" Meredith asked looking at her plate.

"Told you it was the best Chinese Restaurant," Derek smiled as he took a bite of his already cut up steak.

Meredith was surprised by the food, but happy as well. She dug in and was completely satisfied with the amazing taste. Derek could tell she was enjoying it and smiled at her, "You should be more trusting."

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"You thought I was going to rape you or something and now you're enjoying your meal in a Chinese Restaurant. You should be more trusting," Derek insisted.

Meredith took another bite to allow her think before she spoke, "Sometimes when you trust people, it comes back to bite you in the ass."

"You shouldn't base future relationships on past failures," Derek countered.

Meredith didn't answer that solely because of the myriad of things he could be meaning when he said relationship. "So, what made you leave the big apple for Seattle?"

"Needed a change," Derek answered simply. "I've told you something, now you have to tell me something."

"I never agreed to that," Meredith answered as she continued eating.

"You do enjoy being difficult, don't you?" Derek asked with a small chuckle in his voice.

"I suppose I do," Meredith responded, the slightest hint of smile crossing her face.

* * *

They finished their dinner, but Meredith had refused to give in to any of Derek's many attempts at finding out about her history. He had tried a number of ways, but Meredith had learned over the past year to not be impulsive when answering questions and to choose her words wisely. Lucky enough for her, she never slipped.

Meredith hadn't noticed how long they'd been driving in silence until she heard gravel crunching under the tires. She looked over at Derek, but for the first time this evening, he was silent. He didn't offer any explanation why they were on a deserted gravel road. He just kept driving.

When the car finally stopped, Meredith stared ahead of her as Derek looked at her. She knew he was waiting for her reaction, but frankly, she didn't know what to say. There really was only one response that she could come up with: "You live in a trailer."

Derek knew it was a statement. She wasn't asking him a question or looking for a response. She was stating the facts, but still he answered, "Yes, I live in a trailer."

When she was silent, he almost expected her to turn around and decide to stay in the on-call room after all, but she didn't. She turned around and smiled at him in a way that he had never seen her smile before. It looked natural on her, as if the only reason the expression had been created was for it to be displayed by her features. "You live in a trailer," she said again, slight amusement in her voice.

Derek nodded again before she started walking towards the silver trailer. He was surprised to say the least, but he soon caught up with her. He led her inside and realized that there was much more to Meredith Grey than a dark past that she was hiding. There was a lively, happy person inside that had been dormant for longer than he could imagine.


	12. Chapter 12: Big Love

**Chapter 12: Big Love **

_Everytime I think about you  
I get a lump in my throat  
From the big beat in my heart  
I am helpless, hungry for attention  
I know... you could see me fall apart_

"This is a small trailer," Meredith said as Derek handed her a cup of decaf coffee before sitting down at the table across from her.

"Yes, it is," Derek agreed.

"A very small trailer," Meredith repeated as she held the mug with both of hands, feeling the warm through her body.

Derek watcher her as her eyes danced around the room, trying to make something out of their situation. "I think we covered that," he responded with a slight laugh in his throat.

Meredith turned her head to look at the rest of the trailer. Her eyes fell on the bed and she looked at for a few seconds before looking back to Derek, "With one bed."

"With one bed," he mimicked with a nod. Her eyes widened and he chuckled at her, "Don't worry. I'm not making you sleep on the couch."

"I'm not sleeping in your bed," she said decisively as she shook her head.

"Then where exactly where you planning on sleeping tonight?"

She didn't respond at first, deciding to take a sip of coffee as she formulated a response. She swallowed the coffee before letting her eyes meet Derek's again, "Well, I was planning to sleep in a guest room or something. It wasn't like I knew you were brining me to a trailer in the middle of nowhere."

"It is not in the middle of nowhere," Derek defended himself.

"Yeah, it kind of is."

Derek stood up and placed his coffee down on the table. Meredith watched as he looked towards the door for a moment. He looked back at her and offered his hand. She looked at him strangely, but his expression made something inside of her want to comply. After shutting out the part of her that screamed for her to leave, she placed her coffee down on the table next to his. She hesitated for a moment longer before finally placing her slender hand in his larger one.

He pulled her out of her seat and led her outside, holding her hand in his own. He pushed the trailer door open and led her outside, closing the door behind her. Every step that they took, the voices inside of her head because increasingly loud. It was becoming next to impossible to silence them.

He led her off the deck and into the darkness of the land. She hadn't seen this side of Derek before tonight and it made her want to let go of all of her hesitations and fears. It was uplifting. She hadn't felt compelled to just let go in a very long time.

Derek finally stopped and let her take in the sight before her. The only light was the glow from the moon, reflecting off the large lake. It was peaceful, unlike anything she'd ever seen before. She spent most of her life in New York City, she never was able to experience things like this and fully appreciate them for their simplicity.

They could see the whole lake from the elevation that they were at. Everything was glowing in the white light and it brought serenity over Meredith that she hadn't felt in a long time. It relaxed her.

Derek squeezed her hand and she looked up at him, to see his eyes and smile glowing as well. "This… this is why I live in the middle of nowhere."

Meredith smiled at him, in a way she hadn't smiled in a long time. He led her over the edge of the water and he sat down. She hesitated at first, but his eyes were beckoning her. Against her better judgment, she sat down on the cool grass next to him. Without her saying a word to him, he pulled off his thin jacket and placed it around her arms in the cold wind.

She pulled the jacket close to her, unsure of what to make of the night. The fact that it was near two in the morning had left both of them and in that moment, they weren't doctors who had just worked ridiculously long shifts and should be ready to crash. Something was fueling them, giving them the energy to enjoy the moment.

"So, what really made you come to Seattle?" Derek asked, his eyes drifting from the water towards her.

She didn't look at him. Instead, she focused on the sight before her and he could automatically see her comfort slip away from her. "Honestly, I don't know why I chose Seattle," she finally said after a few moments.

"Okay, what made you leave New York?" he asked again.

This time she let herself meet his eyes and frankly, it scared her. It scared her that he was looking at her like that. He wasn't supposed to be looking at her like that. Her brain was yelling at her, but she couldn't listen to her. A part of her was pulling at her, telling her to stay and give him some type of answer.

She tore her eyes away from him again and looked up at the moon, swallowing hard. "I was giving up," she answered quietly.

The intense emotion packed into the small sentence alarmed Derek a little. A silence spread between them and it wasn't comfortable like it had been moments ago. It was awkward and full of unanswered questions and unexplainable emotions.

Instead of pressing her, he stood up. She looked at him, but he just offered her his hand again. He led her back into the house in silence, his heart going out to her. He couldn't figure this girl out, but the evident pain was unbearable.

* * *

"It's getting late. Actually, it was getting late about four hours ago. We have to go to work later today, so we should probably get some sleep," Derek said after closing the trailer door behind them. 

"Yeah…." Meredith said slowly, still not completely sure about the sleeping arrangements,

Derek grabbed one of the pillows off the bed and a blanket from a small closet. He walked past Meredith and deposited them on the couch. "I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed."

"Derek, I'm seriously not sleeping in your bed," Meredith stated in protest.

"Are we going to spend the last few hours of the night arguing pointless about our sleeping arrangements, because if we are, tell me so I can make some coffee with caffeine. Lots of caffeine," he said as Meredith's eyes drifted towards the bed, "Come on, Mer. It's not like it's toxic."

"Okay, fine, but I'm seriously going home as soon as I can," Meredith said as she ventured into the bedroom area.

"The light is right by the bed, so just turn it off whenever," Derek said before turning off the light in the living room/kitchen area. He collapsed on the couch and laid the blanket on him, happy to get his much needed sleep. He heard Meredith move around a little before the light was finally turned off and the trailer went silent.

Derek moved around a little on the couch, never before realizing how uncomfortable the thing actually was. He attributed this newfound piece of information to the fact that this was probably the most time he'd ever spent on it in the year he'd been living in the trailer.

He finally settled himself completely flat against the couch, his eyes staring at the ceiling. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep like this. He sighed accidentally, instantly feeling bad. After all, he knew what the living conditions were like in this trailer and he was the one to invite Meredith. He had no right to complain. He basically asked for this bar to be jamming into his back.

He started moving around again, trying to get that stupid bar away from his back. He was beginning to think that the stupid hammock outside would be more comfortable. Except for the fact that it was November and his warmest blanket was currently wrapped around Meredith Grey. So, basically he was stuck.

He continued moving around for a little while longer. He completely turned around so that he was facing the couch. He could only feel the bar a little so he scooted back away from the couch some, putting his back on the edge. He sighed again, but this time it was a different sigh. He could no longer feel that stupid bar.

He closed his eyes and began to drift into sleep, until he slipped off the edge.

"Oww! God damn it," Derek mumbled, trying not to wake up Meredith. He rolled onto his back and stared back at the ceiling, realizing that that was seriously going to hurt so much more in the morning.

"Derek?"

Derek mentally kicked himself the second he heard her quiet voice. He rubbed his face with one of his hands before looking back into the bedroom, barely seeing her silhouette. "Yeah?"

"Did you just fall?"

"Uh… yeah," Derek admitted, not necessarily proud of it. Who knew that a top neurosurgeon couldn't figure out how to sleep on his couch?

He didn't hear anything at first and figured she either didn't care or fell back asleep. He rolled over again and decided that sleeping on the floor was his safest option.

"Derek? Could you come here?"

Had it been just about anyone else in the world, he probably just would have said no or pretend he didn't hear the question, but it was Meredith. He pretty much knew that she really couldn't handle a tired jackass right about now.

He pulled himself off the floor and dropped the blanket back on the pillow. He walked over to the bedroom and stopped in the doorway. Noticing that Meredith didn't seem to have any intention of sitting up, he walked over to the right side of the bed where she was sleeping. He noticed that that was the side of the bed he slept on every night, but he didn't mention anything. After all, it wasn't like she knew that.

He knelt down beside her and saw her open eyes in the moonlight. He looked at her and noticed that she had removed her shirt, leaving her in thin tank top. He figured she was still wearing the sweatpants she'd shown up with at the hospital, but he didn't really know.

Stopping his mind, he fixated his eyes on Meredith's. "Yeah?" he asked.

"This is ridiculous," she stated simply.

"What?" Derek asked, sitting down on the floor instead of kneeling.

"This is your bed. And I'm in it, while you are sleeping on the floor," she said. He looked at her, expecting something more. He really hoped that she hadn't made him get up just so that she could recap the night's events. "Derek, this is a large bed."

"Yes, it is."

"And we're adults," she said before swallowing hard.

"Yes, we are."

"Very smart, and responsible adults."

"Yes," Derek said for the third time, adding a small nod this time.

She sighed and sat up a little, "Derek, you should be able to sleep in your bed. It's really nothing. I mean, we've already established that we're smart and responsible adults. And this is a large bed. We can both sleep in it without anything inappropriate happening."

"Are you sure that you're okay with this?" Derek asked before he stood up.

Her eyes darted around the darkness before she nodded slightly, "Uh… yeah."

"Okay, but only if you are positive," Derek continued as he stood up. She nodded again and watched as he made his way to the other side of the bed.

She let him drift out of her sight as he pulled down the other side's blankets and lay down on the mattress. He got comfortable for a moment before pausing. "Good night, Meredith."

"Night, Derek," she said slowly, almost afraid to look back at his face.

Another silence grew between them, both of them comfortable and warm in the bed. The odd thing was, suddenly neither of them were all that tired. They were both awake, but neither of them knew that the other was. The clock slowly ticked as Meredith watched it's red numbers reach three in the morning.

She finally sighed, "Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you still awake?" she whispered.

"Yeah," Derek whispered back as he pulled his face out from the pillow.

For the millionth time that night, she went against her better judgment and let herself turn around. She placed her head back on her pillow and let her eyes match Derek's, surprised that they were only inches apart. "Have you ever been married?"

"Married?" Derek repeated quietly, "Yes, I was married for nine years back in New York."

"What happened?" she asked quietly as she placed her hands beneath her head.

Derek closed his eyes for a moment and moved so that he was looking up at the ceiling. "She cheated on me. I found out and she left me for him. His name was Matthew. I didn't really know him, but he worked at the same hospital as we did."

"Is that why you moved to Seattle?" Meredith asked carefully.

"No, I stayed in New York for two years," Derek answered. "Then I found out that they were engaged. It was just too much." He turned his head to look at Meredith again, "That's why I moved to Seattle."

"Do you love her?"

Her words were weak sounding and they struck Derek oddly. He hadn't thought about his ex-wife in awhile. He waited a few moments before he came up with a response, "When I came to Seattle, I did. But after being away here for a year, I've changed. I'm not the same person as I used to be," Derek sighed, "I guess I don't love her anymore."

"Okay," Meredith whispered again before turning back around. She looked at the wall as she began to feel extremely self-conscious about lying in a bed with Derek, but she tried her best not to show it. She stayed silent, but she still didn't think she was going to fall asleep.

"Meredith?" Derek said gently.

She swore that no one had said her name that way before, but she refused to dwell on it. She was tired. She had to be imagining things. "Yes?"

"You know, tonight was the only time you've ever really smiled. The only time you've laughed."

Meredith didn't know how she was supposed to respond to that. She actually had been trying to ignore the fact that she felt like smiling around Derek. It was a weird feeling, a feeling she hadn't been expecting or used to feeling.

"Good night, Meredith," he finally said, letting her name roll gently off his lips.

"Good night, Derek," she whispered for the second time that night. It was strange, but now, now she felt like she could sleep.


	13. Chapter 13: Honest

**So this is just kind of a filler chapter. I'm sorry it took me so long to have anything to post! It won't be too much longer until there is a new chapter!! **

* * *

**Chapter 13: Honest**

_If you can be honest, I can be too  
If you'll take the first step, I'll follow you through  
But no one wants to bleed, no one wants to hide  
No one wants to hurt, alone inside_

When Meredith woke up, it felt strange to not be lying in the middle of a lonely bed. She could feel Derek's body heat and in a weird way, she was happy he was there. She closed her eyes again, deciding that she wasn't really ready to wake up yet. She had slept well and she was tired of those sleepless nights she'd been having previously.

She felt the mattress move a little as Derek woke up and got out of bed. She wanted to thank him, but instead she willed her eyes to stay shut. His shuffling stopped and she felt as if he was watching her. Before she could open her eyes to see if her suspicions were right, she heard him move into the kitchen area.

She opened her eyes when she felt Derek's hand on her arm, not even realizing that she'd fallen back to sleep. "Meredith? It's already seven. I'm pretty sure they'd like to see us at the hospital at some point in time today."

Meredith blinked a few times; unsure as to how she was supposed to react to his hand on her and the close proximity of their faces. "Uh… yeah."

"Good," he said with a smile as he moved away from the bed, "I made breakfast. You can take a shower if you want."

Meredith nodded, despite the fact that Derek was walking back to the kitchen, his back turned to her. She sat up on the bed and looked around the trailer again. Everything that happened the previous night flooded her mind and she tried her best to digest it, but it didn't sit well with her.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She'd slept in another man's bed. This wasn't what she was supposed to be doing in Seattle.

* * *

"Seriously, though, cold pizza? Every morning?" Derek asked as he hit the elevator button and then let his arm drop to his side.

"Old habits die hard," Meredith said with a small smirk.

"I think I need to teach you proper nutrition," Derek said, "For a Doctor, you don't seem to care about how you treat your body."

Meredith's first reaction to that comment was to pull away or lash out He didn't know her and it wasn't up to him to decide how she should treat her body. Despite her instinct, something stopped her. Maybe she just wanted to be nice because he offered her a place to stay. That's what she told herself anyways. Deep down, she knew that it had something to do with her enjoying the time she spent with him. It was carefree and light. She might as well try to keep it that way. "Surgeons in general don't know how to take care of themselves. Irregular sleeping patterns and a diet consisting of coffee, espresso, and muffins. At least I through in some dairy."

"Dairy?" Derek questioned with a raised eyebrow as they both stepped into the elevator, "What, do you drink a cup of milk with your cold pizza?"

"No, cheese. Cheese is dairy and I happen to like massive amounts of gooey cheese on my pizza," she answered, still smiling. She knew that she was driving him crazy and probably even grossing him out. Still, she was enjoying every minute of it now.

"That's just wrong," he said shaking his head, "There will be no cold pizza while you're staying with me."

She turned to him and looked at him doubtfully, "Derek, it's a trailer. Cold pizza could be considered gourmet in a trailer." She rolled her eyes slightly at him as the elevator opened to her floor. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah, later," he echoed as he watched her walk out. Just as the doors closed he called out after her, "And don't joke the trailer!"

* * *

Meredith walked into the locker room and placed her purse inside her locker. She got changed and threw her hair into a ponytail before ever noticing that Cristina was there. Meredith gave her an awkward smile before shutting her locker door.

"Did you just walk in with Shepherd?"

"Excuse me?" Meredith asked, trying to act as though she had no idea what Cristina was talking about.

Cristina made her way over to her own locker and grabbed her scrubs, "You and the hot neuro attending that goes by Shepherd? I just saw you guys walk in together."

"Not together," Meredith said quickly, "At the same time, but not together."

"It looked like together."

"It wasn't together."

"Whatever…" Cristina trailed off before Meredith hurried out of the locker room, realizing this was the reason that she didn't like to have relationships with her colleagues.

* * *

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith stopped walking and turned around to see the Chief of Surgery, "Uh, yes sir?"

"Have you given any thought to a contract?" Richard asked cautiously, eyeing the staff around him for the gossipy nurses.

Meredith situated uncomfortably on her foot before responding, "I, uh, I don't think that I'm ready for anything permanent right now. I still have a family in New York and, well, Seattle is far away from New York."

"I understand," he answered quickly, "But give it some thought. We'd really love to add you to our permanent staff."

"I'll think about it," she answered with a nod before he walked away, leaving her with her coffee and post op notes.

"You don't like Seattle?"

She quickly lifted her head again in surprise at the voice, "I… uh, what?"

"I'm hurt," he continued, "Here I am, offering you a place to stay while your house is falling apart and you aren't even going to stay in Seattle?"

She smiled slightly at his childish ways, "You are offering me a place to stay in a trailer," she commented as she grabbed her coffee and began walking down the hall.

"A very nice trailer," he said as he followed her down the hall, "Very clean, smells nice too. Good food. Much better than cold pizza covered in gooey cheese."

"Says who?" she asked with a small laugh.

"Me. I say," Derek said as they stopped in front of the closed elevator doors.

He stood in front of her and crossed his arms, giving her that smile that she'd grown accustomed to seeing in such a short amount of time, "You act like you want me to stay in Seattle."

"Maybe I do," he flirted a little before noticing her smile falling. The elevator door dinged and she pushed past him without another word. He turned around and watched as her eyes clung to the floor while the doors slowly closed in between them.

5


	14. Chapter 14: Your Eyes Open

**Chapter 14: Your Eyes Open **

_Well it's a lonely road that you have chosen  
Morning comes and you don't want to know me anymore  
And it's a long time since your heart was frozen  
Morning comes and you don't want to know me anymore  
For a moment your eyes open and you know  
All the things I ever wanted you to know  
I don't know you, and I don't want to  
Till the moment your eyes open and you know_

"Hey, Meredith?"

Meredith turned around as she reached the hospital doors and met Cristina's eyes. She stopped walking and waited for Cristina to catch up with her, "Yeah?"

"Where are you headed?" Cristina asked as they both walked into the night.

"Home," Meredith answered.

"Oh, no. It's Friday night. You are _not_ going home," Cristina said, "Come over to Joe's with me. I'm meeting the residents there that I introduced you to."

"Joe's?" Meredith asked as they reached Cristina's motorcycle.

Cristina grabbed her helmet and placed it over her bushy curls, "Emerald City Bar, right across the street," she answered as she gestured across the busy Seattle street. "You in?"

"Uh… sure," Meredith finally said giving in. After all, her house was still unlivable and she didn't have anywhere else to go.

* * *

"So, Meredith, where are you from?" Izzie asked, deciding to imitate the conversation after the group had all been handed a fresh beer.

"New York City," Meredith answered, she took a swig of her beer, not really impressed with the taste at all. "What's the bartender's name?"

"Joe," George called out. "He's a nice guy," George said as he leaned over to Meredith.

"What can I get for ya?" a bigger man said as he approached the group, placing his towel down on the counter behind the bar.

"Four shots of tequila," Meredith said. "No salt, no lime."

"You're going to be sorry in the morning," Joe chuckled as he placed the four shots of tequila in front of her and began pouring her chosen poison.

"I'm always sorry in the morning," Meredith mumbled to no one unparticular.

"Do you really want to get plastered when you have work in the morning?" George asked hesitantly.

Cristina rolled her eyes, "She's hardcore Bambi. Just cause you can't hold down your liquor, doesn't mean you have to spoil it for everyone else. Besides, who cares how she winds day from a busy day of surgery?"

Meredith took the first shot quickly, enjoying the burning sensation on her throat. She placed down the shot glass and looked at the group around her who was giving her strange looks, "What?"

"Doesn't tequila kind of burn? Especially without salt or lime?" George asked. She was definitely beginning to see why he was called Bambi. He was a little too wimpy for her.

"It's good," Meredith said as she took the second shot.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," Cristina said with a smile on her face as she turned her head down the bar to where Joe was. "Hey Joe! Bring us a few more shots of tequila. I think I'm going to take a few with my fellow attending."

"You two are going to hate yourself in the morning," Izzie said with a small laugh as she finished off her beer.

"Four shots of tequila? You really think that's going to get me drunk?" Meredith asked. She didn't know these people very much, but she did have to admit, tequila did make her loosen up a bit from her usual tense self. "I can take a whole lot more before I begin any drunken behaviors. I may be small, but I can hold my alcohol."

"Welcome to Seattle, Meredith," Cristina said as she took her first shot.

Meredith smiled and took another shot.

She felt strange sitting in a bar, taking tequila shots like she had no responsibilities. She used to do that when she was in college and medical school, but over the years she'd stopped. She gotten busy, gained a life, and added on too many responsibilities to cloud her mind with her favorite poison. It was like she was taking four steps back in life, going back to the carefree young adult stage that she'd left a long time ago. Some may have found it irresponsible, but she had nowhere else to be. And for the first time in a long time, she felt like she might be finding some friends.

* * *

"Cristina, I was in surgery with Burke today and he let me decanulate a heart. It's like a whole new kind of surgical high, like seriously. It's amazing. I decanulated the heart and then closed up. Flawlessly. I mean, Burke was over my shoulder telling me what do to, but I did it completely by myself. That's amazing right?" Izzie rambled, completely satisfied with her own accomplishment.

"I decanulated a heart for the first time four years ago," Cristina said dully.

Izzie's ecstatic expression didn't change, "Well, you've been a surgeon longer. Not to mention the fact that you and Burke have been sleeping together forever."

"You are Dr. Burke are together?" Meredith asked, her interested peaked slightly.

"No, we're not together," Cristina said quickly, "We tried being together, but we're not. He's into emotions and spiritual crap and religions. I'm not. We're not together."

"Except in random on-call rooms," Izzie sneaked in, receiving a death glare from Cristina.

"At least I'm not sleeping with Alex," Cristina shot back, slightly happy that she brought that up.

Izzie's oh-so-happy attitude fell immediately, "No, not at all. That was a one-time lapse in judgment."

"Actually, it was a four-time lapse in judgment," Alex said as he sat down on the empty barstool next to Izzie, grabbing a beer from Joe.

Izzie eyed him carefully, glaring at his proud smirk, "Okay, fine, a four-time lapse in judgment. Still, it will never happen again."

Meredith took another shot of tequila, finishing up the second group of shot glasses that Joe had prepared for her, "So, what, do you guys hang out here every night?"

"Basically," Cristina said taking a drink of her beer. Apparently she doesn't enjoy tequila just as much as Meredith does. "Most of the doctors hang out here."

"Really?" Meredith asked as she turned around and saw a few familiar faces from the hospital at a few of the tables.

"Yes, and it seems that one surgeon happens to have taken a liking to watching you and your tequila," Cristina said as she leaned the tip of her bottle in the direction of the booth in the back corner of the bar.

Meredith followed Cristina's hint and met Derek's eyes. She immediately looked away and called for Joe, "Can I get a few more shots?"

"Aren't you going to be cutting open a few brains tomorrow?" Joe asked as he took away the empty glasses.

"Maybe," Meredith said as she shrugged it off her shoulders.

"That isn't something that should be taken lightly," he said as he shook his head and poured three more shots. "I think this should be all for you tonight, Dr. Grey."

Meredith ignored his last comment and took her first shot quickly. She figured that Cristina was the kind of person who would get suspicious if she didn't respond to that comment about Derek, but she didn't know what to say. She really didn't want them to know that she had slept with him last night. Well, she didn't really _sleep_ with him. They slept in the same bed. No big deal, right?

Right.

* * *

"Excuse me, Dr. Yang," Derek said as he stepped in between Meredith and Cristina and placed his empty glass on the bar, "Joe? Can I get another drink?"

"Sure thing, Doc," Joe replied quickly.

"How are you all doing tonight?" Derek asked, purposely not looking or personally acknowledging Meredith.

"Just fine, Dr. Shepherd," Izzie answered happily.

Cristina looked at her bubbly voice and rolled her eyes, completely ignoring Derek all together.

"So, Burke says you two are back together," Derek commented.

"Oh, he does?" Cristina said as she turned to Derek, receiving a nod from him, "Well, your eyes say you want to sleep with Dr. Grey."

Meredith took another shot and slammed the empty glass on the bar, "I think it's time I should get going," she said as she stood up and put her jacket around. "Thanks for the drinks, Joe," she said as she placed down the money she owed.

"Dr. Grey?" Derek finally called out after she had turned to leave already.

She stopped and turned on her heel, noticing that they all had their eyes on her and Derek now, "Yes, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Well, I was just wondering if you were heading home. I don't think your house is ready yet, but I thought I should offer to give you the clothes and things you left," he said smartly, with a smirk on his face.

Her cheeks flush with a mixture of anger and embarrassment. She didn't respond, only turning around and walking out of the bar. She heard Derek's footsteps behind her, but she didn't acknowledge him until he grabbed her arm and stopped her in the middle of the parking lot.

"You're an ass," she spit out quickly.

"Well, you're blunt tonight," Derek responded.

"And you're an ass," she repeated, turning around and heading to her car again.

Once again, Derek placed his arm out and stopped her, "Meredith, you can't go home. We both know that."

She turned around and faced him again, "If you really wanted me to go back to your trailer or even stay in Seattle, you would not have just done that in there. I really do not need a bunch of residents and an attending thinking that I'm sleeping with you. I'm not sleeping with you now and I'm not going to start."

"So, what do you want Meredith?" Derek finally said, dropping his grip on her arm and his charming smile.

"What?" Meredith asked, surprised by his tone.

"This morning we were perfectly fine. I tell you that I want you to stay in Seattle and you freak out and avoid me all day. I mention you staying with me and you get pissed off. I tried being nice and I even tried being a little rude. Either way, you're pissed off. What do you want?"

"I wasn't pissed off this morning," Meredith said, dodging his question completely.

Derek sighed, "Then what was that?"

"I just- Never mind. Pretend this whole thing didn't happen, okay? I'll just go stay at a hotel," she said as she turned around again and walked over to her Jeep, pulling out her keys.

Derek followed her as she but her keys in the car door. He placed his hand over hers, stopping her. "Stop it. We already had this conversation. You're not staying at a hotel or in the on-call room. Come on," he said as he wrapped his fingers around her hand and led her to his car.

He opened the passenger door and motioned for her to get in. She hesitated at first, but she gave in a followed his direction. He took his own seat and put his keys in the ignition, starting the car and pulling out of the driveway.

"What, so we're pretending that that whole thing didn't just happen?" Meredith finally said, breaking the silence once they were five minutes down the road.

"We're going back to when you were joking me about the trailer and I was teasing your eat habits," he answered, "So, yeah, we're going to pretend that that whole thing didn't just happen."

"Okay," Meredith said with a small nod, surprised that he was going to do that.

"Okay," she echoed.

* * *

After they reached the trailer, their night was not nearly as eventful as the night before. Derek allowed Meredith to change in the bedroom while he slipped into a pair of sweatpants and a white t-shirt in the living room area. By the time he was ready, she was already lying in his bed just as she had the night before.

As Derek stood in the dark doorway, he wasn't sure if she noticed him or not. She seemed to be looking off into space, her mind clearly not with them. He could easily admit that their relationship was nothing close to normal. He'd only known this woman for a few days and he'd opened his home completely to her without knowing a single thing about her. They'd already had their first fight and he really didn't even know what it was about. There was something strange about Meredith Grey, but he was hoping that she was going to let him in.

"Are you staring at me?"

"What?" Derek asked as he snapped out of his thoughts and walked into the room.

"You were staring at me," she said as she laid down on her back and watched him cross the room to his side of the bed.

"I was not," he said, not completely sure why he was denying it.

"Sure," she said sarcastically as she rolled back over to his side.

Derek turned off the small bedside lamp and climbed into the bed, wrapping the blankets around him as he adjusted to the mattress. He looked back over at Meredith and she was completely face away from him.

"Why are you looking at me again?" she asked.

"How do you know if I'm looking at you?"

She turned around and met his face, "That's how I know," she said with a little giggle.

Derek smiled solely in response to her smile. It was gorgeous and it very contagious. "There's the Meredith I found last night."

"What?" she asked, not completely following.

"The happy Meredith. The one who is light, smiley, and giggly. The one who opens up a little," Derek explained.

She shied away a little his words, her eyes following down to the small space of sheets between them.

"Tell me something no one knows about you," Derek whispered. He felt like a stupid teenager, but he didn't care. He had this overwhelming desire to know her. To know the real her; the her that no one else seemed to know.

She didn't move at first, not even looking up at him. He waited, figuring that she was thinking. Then her eyes met his, "I take photos," she whispered, an embarrassed look on her face.

"Photos?"

"I love to take my camera and go take pictures," she whispered, not even completely sure why they were whispering.

"How come people don't know that about you?" Derek asked.

She just shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know." She rolled back over on her side, turned away from Derek.

Derek situated himself again and then a small silence enfolded between them again. Derek waited and then finally spoke, "I bet you take amazing pictures, Mer."

Derek waited a little while for a response, but when he didn't get any, he figured she'd already fallen asleep. He closed his eyes and pulled the blanket up closed to him as he tried to fall to sleep.

"Goodnight, Derek," she finally whispered.

"Night, Mer."


	15. Chapter 15: Where are you going?

**I'm so sorry everyone! I had no idea that it had been so long since I last updated this! The next chapter hopefully won't be anywhere near as long!**

* * *

**Chapter 15: Where are you going?**

_Where are you going  
With the long face pulling down  
Dont hide away like an ocean  
But you can see, but you can smell and the sound  
Of your waves coming down  
I am no superman not at all  
But I have no answers for you  
I am no hero, and thats for sure  
But I do know one thing  
Where you go, is where I want to be_

For some reason, waking up in Derek's trailer wasn't so strange anymore. Not nearly as strange as it felt to wake up in her Mother's house night after night. This was beginning to feel like a habit. And as she thought that, it scared the hell out of her. She wasn't supposed to make a habit after only two nights. She wasn't supposed to be making a habit at all.

"Meredith? You awake?"

Meredith hesitated for a moment as she heard the trailer door open and close behind Derek as he walked into the trailer. She hadn't known he was gone, but she was hesitant to respond to him. He didn't make much sense to her. He wasn't like the men she'd known in her life. He was accepting. Too accepting. It was strange.

"Meredith?" Derek asked as he stood in the doorway, looking at her. "You look like you're in your own world."

"I wish," Meredith mumbled as she pulled the covers off her and got out of bed, as Derek walked back into the kitchen. She wasn't sure if he hadn't heard her comment or just ignored it. Either way, she was happy. That wasn't actually supposed to have left her lips.

"You're eating your breakfast," Derek instructed from the kitchen, "Any habit can be broken with persistence."

"I don't have persistence!" Meredith called out as she began to grab an outfit from the small bag she had had in her car from the first night.

"Well then, I'll be your persistence. I can be persistent," Derek continued.

Despite the fact that he was in another room, she rolled her eyes. "You can be annoying," she corrected.

"You know you like it," he teased. He liked this. Maybe she was going to let him in. Even if it was only for today.

* * *

"Admit it, you like it," Derek teased, "The breakfast is good."

Meredith rolled her eyes as she stabbed her eggs with her fork, "I still like cold pizza."

"Cold pizza, I don't do," Derek said quickly as he watched her eat, "But we could go out for pizza tonight after our shifts," he said hesitantly, watching as her eyes drifted up to his.

"Tonight?" she asked carefully.

Derek hesitated when he heard her voice. It was too early for her to start pulling away from him again. "Well, I figured that it would be better for us to get out instead of living in the hospital and this trailer," he said quickly, trying to make her relax, "Besides, you need to see all the wonders of Seattle."

"I'm pretty sure that New York pizza is much better than Seattle's," she said lightly, resuming her mood from before hand.

"Oh really?" he questioned jokingly.

"Yes, really," she answered as her cell phone began to ring from the bedroom.

They looked at each other strangely until she jumped up from the seat and ran to grab her phone out of her purse. "Hello?" she answered quickly, not even checking the caller-id.

"Where the hell have you been?! You move to Seattle and now you don't talk to your sister? I see how it is," Jen said in a voice lined with fake, but very well practiced anger.

"It's been like a day," Meredith answered, "And I've been in Seattle."

"How come you haven't answered the phone at Mom's house?" Jen questioned.

Meredith looked up and saw Derek watching her, but he quickly turned away. She laughed slightly under her breath.

"What are you laughing at? Hospitals and empty houses aren't things you laugh at. Where are you? And who are you with?" Jen questioned, continuing to interrogate her. Meredith couldn't do anything without her little sister finding out. It had been that way their entire lives.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Meredith answered innocently.

"Meredith Leighanne Grey, you are lying to me. Do not lie to me."

"You're talking to me like you talk to your daughters when you catch their hands in the cookie jar," Meredith responded as she walked around in small circles.

"What cookie jar has your hand been in, Ms. Meredith?"

Meredith rolled her eyes, "My hand has not been in a cookie jar."

"Sure it hasn't."

"I'm just staying with someone from the hospital because there's some electric problem at Mom's place and it's unsafe for me to be there until it's fixed. It's not big deal. I'm barely here anyways," Meredith said, trying to get Jen to drop it.

"Who exactly are you staying with?" Jen asked.

"Just someone from the hospital," Meredith answered, trying once again to just shrug it off.

Jen chuckled a little, "Does that someone happen to have the name Derek Shepherd?"

"What- No!"

"Oh my god, you're living with that Shepherd guy? The guy who felt the need to take care of you two days after you got into Seattle? Well, that's not suspicious at all," Jen said, finishing off sarcastically.

"Shut up, I'm a responsible adult. I don't need my little sister looking after me," Meredith answered.

"Enough with the little sister thing. I'm not the one living with some rich doctor that I barely know. That'd be you," Jen continued, thoroughly enjoying teasing her sister.

"Meredith? Our pagers just went off, we need to go," Derek said as he walked into the bedroom.

"Is that Derek?" Jen asked.

Meredith met Derek's eyes and looked at him for a moment, unable to respond to either one of them. It was strange. She felt strange, like she was some teenager that was hiding a secret from her mother, who had, of course, figured it out anyways.

"Meredith?" Derek asked looking at her strangely, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah…" Meredith finally answered, "I'm fine."

"Okay, we need to get going. There was a massive car accident on the highway," he explained as he grabbed a sweater to pull on.

"Uh, Jen, I… uh, need to go," Meredith stuttered as she watched Derek.

"Stop drooling," Jen answered, knowing her sister too well, "I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah, later."

* * *

They hurried into the OR where they'd been paged, finding it full and hearing ambulance sirens, meaning there was more coming in. Derek grabbed a nurse's arm, stopping her from rushing off to wherever she was going, "What happened?"

"The flu. The flu happened and then a major car wreck on the highway," she said before hastily moving back to what she was doing.

"Two more just arrived!" Another nurse called out as she made her way to the ambulance bay.

Meredith and Derek jumped into action, quickly following after her. "I got this one," Derek said as he went to the second ambulance, letting Meredith have the first.

"What've we got?" Meredith asked as a paramedic came out of the back of the ambulance.

"Severe head trauma, some serious bleeding. Blood pressure is low and pulse is faint. We've set him on an IV already," he said quickly as he began to pull out the victim.

Meredith watched as the bed came out, revealing a boy, not more than nine years old. Every sound that had been clouding her mind completely disappeared as her eyes zeroed in on that kid. There was blood surrounding his bandaged head, his eyes shut, and his face pained.

"All right, we need to get him to CT immediately. Page me the second you get the results. Then I want shotgun. Every test in the books, got it?" Derek instructed an intern as she led the patient into the hospital.

Derek looked over towards Meredith and saw the same mortified look he'd seen only days before. The paramedic was getting impatient, constantly trying to get her attention, but her she wasn't moving. She wasn't even blinking.

Derek pulled her over to the side, keeping his hands on her. He wasn't going to let her run this time. "Uh, Dr. Jansen? Take him for a CT, get his head rebandaged, contact his parents and page me the second you know anything," Derek yelled, holding on to Meredith tightly. He could feel her shaking in his arms and it was killing him to focus on anything but her in that second.

The interns took their patients and the ambulances left, making the outside quiet again. Derek sighed and looked at Meredith. She was trembling, unable to make eye contact with him. Something was terribly wrong here, but he didn't get it.

He carefully led her over to a bench, a few feet away from the ambulance bay. She sat down slowly, placing her hands in her lap as she began to nervously play with them, her eyes focused on the cement. Derek finally released her and she almost fell back without him supporting her.

"Mer, what's going on?" He was completely lost. She'd been flawless with every other patient she had besides these two kids. He didn't understand it. She was a well-known doctor who had an amazing way of connecting with her patients. Things weren't lining up.

She shook her head before she found any words to speak, "I… I'm fine. Just go… just go be a doctor, or whatever," she mumbled almost incoherently.

"Meredith, you are a doctor. You are a doctor and that kid needs you," Derek said, trying to console her in the only way he knew how. He wrapped his arm around her again, holding her close as he rubbed gentle circles in her back.

"I can't help him," she whispered.

Derek swallowed back the million questions that were floating through his mind, knowing that this was not the time. He couldn't let her fall apart in front of all of her colleagues, "Meredith, that boy needs you. You've done a million surgeries in your lifetime and he needs you to do another. You can do this."

She finally looked up at him with a look that took Derek's breath away. He couldn't describe it. It captured so many emotions in away that only she could do. He'd never been able to have a conversation without saying a word, but he knew this was one that he'd never forget. They held each others eyes for a few minutes before Meredith finally turned away, running her fingers through her hair subconsciously.

"Are you okay now?" Derek asked carefully.

Meredith sighed and looked back over at him, her eyes squinting in the slight Seattle sun, "Yeah, I'm okay."

Derek nodded and gave her a small smile before leading her back into the hospital, promising himself that he'd figure out what was going on the second they got home.

* * *

"He needs surgery," Meredith said quietly as she stepped next to Derek.

He looked up at her, his face falling when he saw the vulnerable look she held on her face. "You're a surgeon, so I'm guessing that that's a good thing."

"Derek, he's a little kid," Meredith explained desperately, "He's a little kid and that surgery is going to be hard."

Derek didn't respond at first, leaving himself to examine her words and her disposition. It worried him. She was fine this morning, but now, now she wasn't. "Let me see his scans," Derek said as she handed him the CT scans. He held them up to the light, analyzing them carefully, making sure not to miss a thing.

He pulled them away from the light and placed them back in their file before he looked back at Meredith, "It looks bad," he said, knowing he couldn't lie to her. Even if he did, it wouldn't matter. She knew just as much about neurosurgery as he did. "But, you've done surgeries likes this before," that too was an honest fact. In fact, she'd done one only a day or two ago.

"But he's just a kid," she continued, leading Derek towards a conversation he didn't want to have in the middle of the hospital.

He had questions, lots of questions for her, but he knew better. "He's a kid, but that gives him a better chance at a full recovery with less long term affects."

"If he makes it through surgery," she countered.

Derek sighed, "He'll have two of Washington's best neurosurgeons watching over him the entire time. He will have as much of a chance as any one else, if not more."

"You're going to be there?" she asked, raising her eyebrow slightly.

Derek nodded, "Yes," he hadn't decided until two minutes ago, but he was. He knew the kid didn't need him there, after all, Meredith was an amazing surgeon, but he felt like Meredith needed him. He was needed and he hadn't been needed in a long time. He wasn't going to let her down.


	16. Chapter 16: Wait

**Sorry that this chapter took awhile and it's a little shorter than normal, but I needed to divide it this way. Hopefully I'll have the next one up soon!**

**Thanks so much for reading and for all of the wonderful reviews!**

**

* * *

****Chapter 16: Wait **

_Here I am at the edge of the road  
One hand on the end of the rope  
One crack and it breaks alone_

The many doctors and nurses began to fill the operating room as the little boy was wheeled in on a gurney. Meredith watched from the scrub room window, trying to separate herself from the case.

She could do this. She had done this a million times. She had done it successfully on kids far worse off and much younger. She could do this.

"You okay?"

Meredith pulled herself out of her reverie and looked back as Derek's voice filled the scrub room. "Yeah, I'm fine," she answered quietly as she brushed a few strands of hair out of her face.

"You know you can do this, right?" Derek asked as he walked over to her, standing directly behind her. "I believe you can do this."

Meredith nodded, trying to not realize how close Derek was actually standing behind her. They didn't say anything at first, letting a few moments pass before he finally pulled away. He turned on the sink and began washing his hands, not surprised when she followed suit.

"I reviewed the case closer," Derek began breaking the silence he hated, "This kid seems to have a better chance than I originally thought. His latest tests are promising."

Meredith just nodded, not looking up to meet Derek's eyes. When he finally finished washing his hands, he grabbed a few paper towels and handed some to Meredith. She took them silently and dried off her hands as he dried off his own.

"Brandon. His name is Brandon," Meredith finally said, stopping Derek from passing through the doors that led to the operating room.

Derek looked back at Meredith, intrigued and confused by the way she was acting. He couldn't figure her out and it was driving him nuts. He smiled slightly, finding it amusing how interested he was in this woman whom he actually knew so little about. "Okay," he finally said, "Let's go save Brandon's life."

He opened the door for Meredith and waited as she took a deep breath before stepping inside. The nurses began placing their gloves and gowns on immediately. Before Derek knew it, Meredith switched into surgeon mode, leaving all feelings and insecurities behind.

* * *

"We're ready whenever you are," the anesthesiologist said as soon as Brandon was completely under.

"Okay," Meredith said, nodding to herself. "Drill please."

Derek watched as Meredith took the drill and began to cut through the young boy's skull. She was skilled and precise. She was exactly what he had expected her to be and still so much more.

After Meredith had gained her access to the young boy's brain, her eyes glanced up at the monitor. He was breathing. He had a steady pulse, good blood pressure. She could relax. She knew everyone in this room thought she was perfectly fine, even Derek. The OR is supposed to be the place that your feelings can fade away. And for Meredith, it used to be that place. Now things were different.

"Suction," she said absentmindedly, her body on automatic when it came to the surgery. She really didn't even know why she was doing this anymore. She didn't know why she was still a surgeon. Part of her had decided to put down her scalpel and never pick it up, but that was a long time ago and now she was in Seattle. She knew something inside of her had made her take this job and it was probably the same thing that continued to make her get up every morning, despite her desire to forget the whole world, but she didn't understand it. She couldn't pinpoint one real reason that she was still doing this; she could only find a million reasons why she shouldn't. Only a million reasons to let go.

"Clamp," Meredith continued, looking up long enough to notice that Derek hadn't moved in the hour that the surgery had already endured. His eyes weren't even focused on the brain or the screen. They were focused on her. Normally if some guy was staring at her, she would be a little freaked out, even if she were spending the night in his bed every night. She wasn't used to men like him staring at her like that. Still, despite the rareness of a new man staring intensely at her, she was almost comforted by it. Honestly, she almost wanted to stare right back and get lost in those eyes.

* * *

Cristina just watched from the gallery at the amazing surgery. She knew she was in cardio and all, but she still wanted to be scrubbed in on this surgery. The fact that Dr. Shepherd was scrubbed in, but not doing anything told her a few things, though.

She may not know this Meredith Grey and frankly, she doesn't really know Shepherd either, but she was smart enough to see something between them. Not that she cared. Because she didn't. She doesn't care about feelings or emotional crap. Besides, she knows better than most that these hospital relationships don't work out outside the hospital. They only last when you're in the confines of these closed walls, surrounded by sick people and sleep deprived doctors. Once you get in the real world, that connection fails.

In fact, it was probably the only thing in Cristina Yang's life that she hadn't been able to save from failure. And from what she knew, this Meredith Grey couldn't handle any failure at all right now.

* * *

Meredith stretched her back a little, beginning to feel the pains of a long surgery. The damage was extensive, but so far this boy had lasted. He was a fighter. He should be a survivor. More than anything, Meredith wanted him to be a survivor. She needed him to be a survivor.

Derek watched as her expression changed. In the few moments that she tried to release the pent-up tension in her body, her vulnerability showed through. She wasn't all right. It was something about this surgery, something about her past that had been bearing down on her since the moment he had met her, only a few days ago.

And the second she slipped back into her hunched over position with her tools in hand, she focused and became serious again. She became lost in the fourth dimension of surgery, a place that no one seems to completely understand.

Despite the mysterious serenity that lasted for hours, reality broke through the second the beeping sound of a straight line between life and death shattered any type of certainty in any of their minds.


	17. Chapter 17: Lonely Girl

**Chapter 17: Lonely Girl **

_I can remember the very first time I cried  
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside_

"Time of death, 8:27," Meredith said before pulling off her gown and snapping off her gloves as she headed into the scrub room.

Derek looked at the rest of the scrub team, as everyone watched the door slam behind Meredith. "Uh, Dr. Stanley, can you take care of this?" The doctor across the room nodded and began to take over, allowing Derek to begin to remove his gown and gloves, his eyes glued to Meredith in the scrub room.

When he walked in, he watched Meredith scrub her arms vigorously. He removed his mask and threw it away before he walked over to the sink and began to wash his own hands, his eyes continuing to watch her hands scrub.

He finished washing his own hands as her skin began to redden and become raw. He hesitated before doing anything, trying desperately to get her to look at him or respond to his presence in some way, but she continued to focus on scrubbing her hands.

"That's enough," Derek finally whispered as he covered her hands with his own. She froze at his touch, but didn't pull away. Her body slouched over as he continued to watch her with eyes of concern. Suddenly, her body lent forward and she began to sob.

_All of my memories - good and bad - that's past  
Didn't even take the time to realize _

"Mer…" Derek whispered as he began to pull her into his arms. Before he did, she pulled away from him and found her way to the scrub room door. Derek quickly followed her out the door and down the hallway, completely ignoring the strange glances people were sending their way.

Staring at the cracks in the walls  
Cause I'm waiting for it all to come to an end  
Still I curl up right under the bed  
Cause its taking over my head all over again

Derek called after her, drawing even more people's attention as she hurried into an on call room. The minute the door closed behind her, he was there and quickly opened it again. He stepped in and searched for the light switch as he shut the door and locked it behind him.

As the light flickered on in the room, Derek saw Meredith sitting on the small bed facing away from him. He stepped closer to her, but stopped when she began to cry hard again. "Meredith, are you okay?" he said as he began to walk closer again.

"Stop!" she ordered, startling him to say the least. Instead of listening to her demand, he continued to walked closer to her, stopping when he was behind her. 

Do you even know who you are?  
I guess I'm tryin' to find  
A borrowed dream or a superstar?  
I want to be a star  
Is life good to you or is it bad?  
I can't tell anymore  
Do you even know what you have?

Derek sat down on the bed behind her, careful of every move he made. Her body continued to shake uncontrollably with sobs, bewildering and concerning his mind even more. "Meredith, the surgery wasn't your fault. We did everything we could. _You_ did everything you could. Sometimes, it's out of our hands," he said softly, trying to calm her and not startle her with his words.

Constantly pushing the world I know aside  
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try

His words seemed to offer no consolation to her breaking heart and Derek began to feel at a loss. She needed him and he didn't know what to say. He didn't even know why she falling apart. There was no way he could say anything to make this better.

Oh, nothing is ever enough  
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem

Every tear broke his heart just a little bit more and he wanted nothing more than to just pull her into his arms and promise her the whole world would be okay.

_Sorry girl, tell a tale for me  
Cause I'm wondering how you really feel_

"Meredith? Please tell me why this is so painful," Derek asked quietly, his breath brushing against the back of her neck, "Please, I hate to see you cry."_ I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you  
Cause I'm just trying to make all my dreams come true _

Her tears began to slow and her body stilled for a moment in the room full of silence. Derek waited to do anything, completely unsure of her thoughts. She slowly turned around on the bed and faced Derek, "I can't tell you. I want to, but I can't. I just can't." Her voice shook as she spoke, full of vulnerability and fear.

"Mer-"

"No," she said quietly as she shook her head and wiped the tears from her face, "I can't tell you, I can't tell anyone. I can't talk about it with you or anyone else. Okay?"

The pleading look in her eye got to him and he nodded before he could even think twice. She stood up from the bed and as she began to walk to the door. "Meredith?"

She stopped at his voice and turned around. _  
_

Without saying anything else, Derek reached out and grabbed her arm. He gently pulled her fearful body closer to him until she was standing inches away from him. "Come here," he whispered as he pulled her down on to the bed.

_Do you even know what you have?  
__No, no_

Before she could protest, he laid her next to him on the bed before lying himself down and pulling her close to his body. He could feel her silent sobs against his chest, making him hold her tighter as she let everything she'd held in out.

He didn't ask any more questions, he just held her until she fell asleep. And when she did, he held her a little bit tighter.

_Do you even know what you are?  
A rising dream or a fallen star?  
Is life good to you or is it bad?_

_

* * *

This song is lonely girl by pink. I did a little bit of cutting with the lyrics though, so if you know the song, that's why it was a little different!_


End file.
